It’s time…

I heard a quote once, "it's never too late in fiction or in life, to revise". I dunno who said it but I love it and I think it is time for me to do a little revising. I have been away from posting, away from calling friends and family and just stuck in a mental trap for the last month. I have caught a bad case of the deadly combo of fear and negativity. I have not really written much as I didn’t want to infect anyone with my bleak outlook.

It’s time to shift my perspective. It’s time to focus on what is working and what I am grateful for. Time for a gratitude list. So, with no idea what to say at the start of this list, I am hoping that by the end of it I feel lighter. More grateful, more humble before the Universe for all its gifts.

As always I am grateful for my son. He is such a joy to me and a total gift. Everyday he does or says something extraordinary. I look forward to watching him evolve over the years. My little man!

I am grateful for the best friends a girl can have!! I have the most amazing group of women in my life and some of you I haven’t even seen yet!! I have always loved the camaraderie of women, supporting each other and laughing together. I am so grateful that I have girl friends in my life. Now you all had better come see me in Africa!!

My life is full of adventure, lessons and change. I really honor that my life is moving in a direction that is stripping away all the unnecessary aspects of this crazy world. We are shedding most of our possessions, luxuries and striking out with what really matters. My husband came home the other day and said, “I was thinking we could sell our house, furniture etc then we will free ourselves from worrying about a lot while we are gone. All that matters is that we are together and that we have wonderful experiences” Gulp.

I am grateful for the health of my family and friends.

That I have the opportunity to go to the gym everyday to keep healthy and sane ☺

Ok, that is it for now. Not as long as I would have liked it to be but hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Poetry Thursday

Give up, and you will succeed.
Bow, and you will stand tall.
Be empty, and you will be filled.
Let go of the old, and let in the new.
Have little, and there is room to receive more.
The wise stand out,
because they see themselves as part of the Whole.
They shine,
because they don't want to impress.
They achieve great things,
because they don't look for recognition.
Their wisdom is contained in what they are,
not their opinions.
They refuse to argue,
so on one argues with them.
The Ancients said: "Give up and you will succeed."
Is this empty nonsense?
Try it.
If you are sincere, you will find fulfillment.
Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching, chapter 22
(Piatkus, 1995)


I am trying to be sincere in my quest to "give up" and trust I will be show how to succeed. To continue to be sincere in my willingness to be open and part of the Whole.

One of the things that drew me to my husband was the fact that I knew I would never loose myself. I knew he was just as interested in supporting me as a strong individual as I was in being one. Having lost the "me" to the "we" in the past, I was anxious never to fall into that trap again. My husband encourages me to continue to grow, learn, experience new things and see the world. He is a great catalyst for me. He is not easy.

At the moment he is bringing more opportunity for change, growth and reflection into my life. He returned from Africa on Tuesday full of ideas and plans. I am feeling a little lost in the flood of change at the moment.

I read this poem last evening and immediately recognized it as the lifeline I was looking for. Doing the right thing is not always easy. In fact, more often it is quite a challenge.

I am trying.

Uganda Phase 1, part 3

I am come undone a bit here. I have known this adventure has been on deck for over four years. It should come as no surprise to me that is manifesting. However, I think you have to allow that the theory of a situation and the reality of one are two very different things. Reality can still catch you off guard even if you’re on your toes.

In theory I am excited, ready to go, a real trooper charging forward without a backward glance or concern. I have always viewed myself as very adventurous, embracing of change, seeker of life experience and opportunities for growth.

In reality, I am fearful. I try to keep the demons and questions at bay but they charge on persistent and relentless. In reality I am leaving behind a mother in poor health who is likely about to have another surgery before the wounds of the last have even healed and can not travel to visit. I am stepping out of the daily lives of many I love, trust and need.

I make a genuine and heartfelt attempt to really live my life to the fullest, to take risks and eek out experiences and lessons. That doesn’t mean that I am never afraid and I am beginning to realize that it is ok. Overcoming fear and giving it a turn on the floor is a part of my process. I cannot seem to take on a new challenge without paying homage to the gods of fear and doubt. I have to sacrifice a few nights of sleep and tears on their alter before I can move on.

Taylor has been writing me twice a day most days from Kampala. He is getting his project off the ground and things seem to be going well in that area. He went to visit the two schools that we are looking at for Dace, two clubs where expats hang out, and a few places to live. Unfortunately, the choices are turning out to be more complicated than we had hoped. They are a lot less straight forward and much more complicated. I find this ironic in light of the limited options we have to choose from. I knew this move would be complicated to pull off. I knew it would be a challenge, however I HOPED it would be easier after Taylor actually got there and did some exploring. He has been there for almost a month and is just as torn about the right way to proceed as he was when he left. It has me a bit unnerved and to be honest stressed.

It looks like tonight will be another night where sleep is sacrificed to fear and doubt. I am looking forward to an end to this period, to concurring fears and slaying demons.

Self portrait Tuesday- "With someone"

This is a picture of me and my husband's Tutu. Tutu is grandmother in Hawaiian, where she lived for years overlooking Diamond Head beach. She is an amazing woman and over the last nine years I have grown to love her deeply. She has so many characteristics that I hope to bring more fully into my life. I thought I would share a few:

She is one of the most adventurous people I know. She has been everywhere and has made friends on her travels that she still keeps in touch with, meeting people in Argentina, Ethiopia, Morocco, Egypt, and Europe. She will tell us she went to some little crazy hotel in town to meet them and look t the beads, paper goods and/or fabrics that they brought from home.

She is really one of the least judgmental people I have ever known, it must be where my husband gets it.

She still has a child-like enthusiasm to her that is beautiful to see, she gets excited about so many things.

She notices the beauty around here and really drinks it in....always!

She is loving, kind and generous.

She is wonderfully creative and a brilliant story-teller.

I could continue for days to talk about this amazing and inspirational woman, I love her madly!

Self portrait Tuesday- "With someone"

This is a photo taken of my husband Taylor and me in a cave in the lake district of England. We recently spent a wonderful night drinking wine tucked away in our hidden camping spot with friends. I wish we were back there tonight.

My husband left this morning for Africa for a month. I am missing his terribly all ready. I have not spent more than 7 days apart from him in over nine years. It is so strange to think that I will not even be able to even speak to him; I don’t even have an emergency contact phone number!! I will have to content myself with emailing him and hoping he will be able to email me too.

The distance makes me feel very panicky. I worry that something might happen to him as his drives around the country setting up medical clinics. What if something happened to him and I couldn’t get to him? It is a horribly powerless feeling. I know that it is not entirely rational. Ever since my dad passed away while I was out of the country I feel worried when I am far away from loved ones. I have nightmares when on vacation that terrible things are happening to friends and family at home. I do my best to intellectualize the emotions when they arise but no matter how much I understand them I still FEEL them.