Monday, September 18, 2006

Uganda Phase 1, part 3




I am come undone a bit here. I have known this adventure has been on deck for over four years. It should come as no surprise to me that is manifesting. However, I think you have to allow that the theory of a situation and the reality of one are two very different things. Reality can still catch you off guard even if you’re on your toes.

In theory I am excited, ready to go, a real trooper charging forward without a backward glance or concern. I have always viewed myself as very adventurous, embracing of change, seeker of life experience and opportunities for growth.

In reality, I am fearful. I try to keep the demons and questions at bay but they charge on persistent and relentless. In reality I am leaving behind a mother in poor health who is likely about to have another surgery before the wounds of the last have even healed and can not travel to visit. I am stepping out of the daily lives of many I love, trust and need.

I make a genuine and heartfelt attempt to really live my life to the fullest, to take risks and eek out experiences and lessons. That doesn’t mean that I am never afraid and I am beginning to realize that it is ok. Overcoming fear and giving it a turn on the floor is a part of my process. I cannot seem to take on a new challenge without paying homage to the gods of fear and doubt. I have to sacrifice a few nights of sleep and tears on their alter before I can move on.

Taylor has been writing me twice a day most days from Kampala. He is getting his project off the ground and things seem to be going well in that area. He went to visit the two schools that we are looking at for Dace, two clubs where expats hang out, and a few places to live. Unfortunately, the choices are turning out to be more complicated than we had hoped. They are a lot less straight forward and much more complicated. I find this ironic in light of the limited options we have to choose from. I knew this move would be complicated to pull off. I knew it would be a challenge, however I HOPED it would be easier after Taylor actually got there and did some exploring. He has been there for almost a month and is just as torn about the right way to proceed as he was when he left. It has me a bit unnerved and to be honest stressed.

It looks like tonight will be another night where sleep is sacrificed to fear and doubt. I am looking forward to an end to this period, to concurring fears and slaying demons.

13 Comments:

Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

oh my dear sweet friend...this must be so challenging to your heard, mind and soul.

i wish there was something i could do to make it better, to ease the fear and doubt. i hope you got my voicemail today. i would love to talk with you about this.

i suppose the best i can do as your friend is listen...and i am here.

i am so in awe of your bravery and the leaps you and your family have taken together thus far. it is inspiring indeed.

love you.

11:54 PM  
Blogger gkgirl said...

i cannot even begin
to understand how you must feel...
this is huge...
and you are handling it so well.

i'm sure your choices will
be the best possible made...
wishing you the best of luck

10:13 AM  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

oh the fear...that's a hard one. i don't know what else you do with fear but wade through it, sit it out. and i think letting it have a voice, a dance, is very wise. i hope soon it will have had it's say and will at least allow you some much needed rest. i once heard an ancronym (i think that's what you call it) for fear:

False
Expectations
Appearing
Real

to me that says that fear is dwelling on false assumptions as if they are realities. when i was pregnant trey was scared to death. i was too but not near as much as he was. his fear almost wrecked our relationship. anyway, we would fight all the time--about things that hadn't even happened, things that may not ever happen. but we were making them real. our fear was causing us to fight about scenarios/possibilities that didn't even exist. i thought about that time in our lives when i read your post.

so here's to letting fear have it's place but not letting it wreck our lives.

love to you,
me.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Susannah said...

oh love, i am so coming over to give you the biggest hug ever.. it really is okay to be scared. it is okay to feel it and work with it. you can't ignore the fear (obviously) so just say hello to it each day and keep going. i can imagine what a freaking nightmare all this must be for you.. thi sis such an enormous thing you guys are doing - and yes it's an adventure and all that good stuff, but it's SCARY. i would be scared to. let us shoulder some of your fears hon - tell us, talk to us, let it out. we're here for you angel xxx

i love you x

8:39 AM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

i hope some things are coming together my friend.
you all are in my thoughts as you make these huge decisions.

love,
liz

10:20 PM  
Blogger Madeleine said...

Letha, anticipation such as this often instils fear in us, and is often a fear that we cannot rationalise with at all. the fear of the unknown, unforeseen, can be so overwhelming.
But i have a strong feeling that all these loose ends of doubt and worry with tie up perfectly with a great resolution.
i so understand that leaving your life there is an enormous jump for anyone to leap and perhaps feels to wide, that you'll fall right in. but you will do it, my love, and your stride will be much longer than you believd it could have ever been.
you have so much strength and determination, and despite these fears bearing down on you, they will be overwhelmed by your strength and fortitude.
i just wish that we could all come with you and hold you hand.
i love your honesty and thoughts on this next stage in your life.
but we are all here, in spirit, by your side giving you all our love and support.

lots of love to you.

Mad
xxx

3:49 AM  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

Surrounding you with angels...fear cannot stand their presence :)

Deep breath ~ warm thoughts ~ excitement for a new adventure ~ and peace, my love...

much love,
xxxdarlene

10:48 AM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Oh sweetie-

I am glad you are honoring yoyr feelings.

This is such an unknown experience-one that probably will take a while to settle and feel comfortable.

I wish I could give you a hug and sit with you.

8:32 PM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Love to your mommy too.

8:33 PM  
Blogger megg said...

I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to say to make things better - know that I am here if you need me and that you know in your heart all that you need to do. Believe in that. LOVE to you tonight - hey!! I'm 8 hours different from you - which means I am awake when you can't sleep - anytime you need to talk - let me know!

LOVE TO YOU!!

1:37 PM  
Blogger Ali la Loca said...

Hi Letha -

Let me tell you, in African terms 1 month is a VERY short amount of time to get something figured out. Things will come together eventually, but you will soon get used to the fact that life here runs on an entirely different timeline than that in the US.

I understand all your doubts and worries. I went through the same thing before my move to Mozambique, although with kids I can only imagine what it must be like. Hang in there. It will all work out.

Best of luck to you!!!

5:27 AM  
Blogger kelly rae said...

hang in there, letha. i admire your honesty and bravery as you thoughtfully take your steps towards this huge adventure.

2:53 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Hi Letha, i found your site through m's... Wow, that's quite a jump you're making there Letha. It's inspiring to hear you write: who could blame you for feeling all those fears? But as others have said, hang on in there, it will come together. Clearly you are doing something very important.

7:42 AM  

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