Uganda Phase 1, part 4

For the past month or more, I have been feeling overwhelmed and very fearful about our upcoming move. It has seemed like an enormous obstacle, a huge mountain of tasks and emotions to master. Like Sisyphus, I have been unable to muster the strength.


Things are changing.

I am beginning to feel a shift, an awakening and an acknowledgement of a destiny that I have always known in my heart was awaiting me. If I am honest then I have to own that this is the life I have created. The one I asked for when I was little. The one I have always known I would live. This is an important paradigm shift for me. It is a move away from victim thinking; from passively accepting this change as my husband's vision to owning that it is mine as well.

When I was a child my father used to talk with me about other cultures and the value of travel. He would share the experiences of his travels and ignited within me my own passion to have similar experiences. We would explore museums looking at artifacts and discussing the places from which they came. I always knew I wanted to visit those places. To see far off lands with my own eyes, smell the air and taste their flavors. I am recognizing that when I began to see myself in all those places as a child, I was laying the groundwork for the path I am walking now.

That does not make it an easy road but I know it is right. I know there is a part for me to play in this drama and I am up to the task.

When I think about my plans, I actually feel my body swell with energy and excitement. I feel like I can accomplish my vision and that it will bring both others and me abundance and joy.

I am ready to meet the challenges ahead because I know the Universe (and some pretty amazing friends) is behind me, supporting me and will provide all that I need.

I have to share how wonderful I think my husband is! He just found out that the CDC liked his project so much that they are contributing to his funding and assigning staff to him!! I am so proud of him and really am in awe of his commitment and intellect. Yeah baby, you are amazing!

I borrowed the pic from hope4kidsinternational.org

Riot

They slept until the black raven,
the blithe hearted
proclaimed the joy of heaven
- Beowulf

This is the painting I have been working on and it is called Riot.

Ravens have flown into my mind recently and taken up residence. I keep seeing their iridescent black forms soaring into my paintings and imagination. They are landing in my life as well. There are three that have moved into my back yard to feast on the worms in our new flower beads.

Ravens have a unique ability to capture our imaginations as is evidenced by their appearance in so many folk tales, mythology and stories. In the hopes of understanding their presence in my life I decided to do a little research into their lives, symbology and folklore. Here is some of what I learned:

About their lives
Ravens enjoy playful flight patterns, such as soaring, tumbling and rolling. Their longer wings make them quite agile aerial acrobats. I thought this was interesting as I generally think of them as serious and even ominous. I was glad to learn that they are playful and intelligent. They are “tool makers” (bending wire into the shape of a hook to assist in retrieving food) proving an advanced intelligence. A wild raven can live more than thirty years, I was shocked that they can live that long!


About their folklore
In Native American tradition, Raven is the guardian of both ceremonial magic and healing circles. I thought this was serendipitous as I will be involved in healing circles next month. I hope the Raven spirit sticks around for them. ☺

According to the book Medicine Cards (which accompanies a beautiful tarot-like deck of animal cards), Raven's medicine is magic. She is the great mystery of the Void, the place where all that which is not yet formed resides. The book says that you will fear Raven only if you need learn about your inner fears or self-created demons, uh-hemm. It also says that if Raven appears to you, you are about to experience a change in consciousness. That magic is in the air and I am not to try to understand it, the power of the unknown is at work and something special is about to happen. It is up to me to recognize it when it comes and make the most of the opportunity.

In many cultures Raven represents deep magic, the mystery of the unknown, death and transformation, creation, healing, wisdom, protection, and prophecy.

I am ready to spend a little time with Raven’s spirit. I welcome her into my mind and will enjoy her company for as long as she decides to fly with me.

I love...

Last Friday I struggled my way through a post on gratitude. My mind was in the right place; my heart just wasn’t quite there yet. I was talking with the lovely Liz about my dichotomy the other day and she suggested I write about the things I am loving right now. Sometimes it is a good idea to focus on all the things, great and small that make us feel lighter; that put a smile on our faces. It just might be my ticket back to a place of lightness, of gratitude. So, with her sweet permission, I am barrowing her format for sharing my current faves.

Singing
I am currently listening to a few mixed CDs from a friend from art school, Andrew Bird, Ryan Adams, and my son playing “Why are There so Many Songs About Rainbows” on his piano.

Watching
I am having a deep and lasting love affair with the animated work of Hayao Miyazaki. I most specially adore Spirited Away, Howl’s Moving Castle, and Princess Mononoke. His imagination is boundless and storytelling thoughtful and many layered. I am always discovering something new in the movies each time I see them. He is endlessly inspiring.

Reading
I am always reading several books at once. The current list is:
Broken for you by Stephanie Kallos
The State of Africa by Martin Meredith (this one should come with a warning label!)
Art and Fear (a must for all creative types! Should be read at least once a year)

Creating
I am finishing up a painting of a girl with a bunch of ravens landing on her head and flying around her.
I am hoping to start a painting, a happy one, soon!
I am starting two skirts and a dress for fall.

Enjoying
The weather!! It is cloudy, grey, sprinkling rain and there is a cool light wind that is carrying the smell of the ocean to me. I know many do not like this weather, preferring the sun, but I find it so soothing. It is like a big cozy sweater that you just want to snuggle down into. I love to dress is cozy clothes, light candles, make some tea and paint (or if time permits just read) on days like today.

I am going to savor every bit of this Fall and Winter as it will be my last for several years. It is pretty much sunny and 80 all year round in Uganda.

Drinking
Water. I cannot seem to hydrate today! I am thirsty no matter how much I drink.

This week I have been drinking way too much coffee, tea and wine! Could explain the dehydration ☺

Anticipating
Spending next week locked in my studio. The list of household chores will just have to wait!

Spending my birthday weekend (11/4) with some amazing girlfriends!

Thinking
That it is time to stop thinking so much! I have been trapped in my head for too long and I need a break.

Loving
I ‘m loving a lot of things right now, here is a random sampling:
The smell of my son’s hair, buying fall flowers and plants and decorating my house for the season, book tapes (thank GAWD for books on tape!), the sound of my son’s fish tank (it sounds like a little waterfall), the necklaces my husband’s Tutu let me pick out (she is giving me some amazing antique necklaces a pre-Columbian 500+ year old one a’ la Frieda Kahlo, a turquoise one with a carved tiger from Tibet etc…amazing things!)

Living

When the to-do list gets long, the mail stacks up, the stress is too much and challenges too many, it is easy to get stuck in your head. I have been mentally chasing my tail ‘round and ‘round trying to answer questions without all the information, an impossible task. I realized today that I have been so busy THINKING about what is going on in my life that I have forgotten to LIVE

It is time to stop stressing, worrying and THINKING!!!

I need to get back to what makes me feel alive. I need to let go of solutions and trust that I will find the answers. I need to plant the rest of my new plants and watch my garden grow. I need to get back into my studio and finish the paintings I started a few weeks ago and have been shamelessly neglecting. I need to spend a day walking around downtown taking in the cool autumn air, smell of the ocean, new fall clothes and do some serious people watching. I need to sneak away for a matinee showing of The Science of Sleep. I need to sit down with beautiful paper and handwrite letters to friends. I need to spend an afternoon curled up with one of the four books I am currently reading and a cup of piping hot tea. I need to reconnect with me. I miss me!

In short, it is time to wake up. To re-engage with life. To start living!

Self portrait Tuesday- Imperfections

This months SPC is imperfections. This should be an easy topic for me, as I can’t seem to stop thinking about my imperfections lately. When you’re faced with major life changes and challenges, you can’t help but take a good long look at your life, at yourself. I have been chronicling all my inadequacies and reasons why I don’t feel up to the many challenges ahead. I can’t help but wonder if who I am resembles who I want to be.

I seem to be running with fear and anger these days. I guess they are really two sides of the same coin.