2nd Anniversary

2nd Anniversary

Little girl
twirl, twirl, twirl
doing my tricks
oh please watch me
approve

I wish you would pick me up
spin me around
take me with you, one of our drives
hold me close so I can smell your after-shave
I could always smell you coming down the hall

Later, drinks by the Bay
secret lunches
long talks and walks
faxes and emails, technology is our friend
helps you hide
our relationship
from your relationship
stolen moments and secrets make me feel
like a bastard

Folded up
all in you
from you
for you
a fragile paper sculpture
that should be carved in stone

Crinkled and creased
all on my own
I forgive you
I am you

Uganda Phase 1, part 5

It has been a little while since I’ve written about Uganda. Though I have not shared much recently, it is always on my mind and influencing our lives. We went through a few rough patches in our planning. In fact, in December we thought all our plans were going to come crumbling down around us. By January they had been repaired and changed for the better and now the wheels are beginning to turn again. In fact, they seem to be gaining speed at an alarming rate.

I had my second round of immunizations and they went much more smoothly than the first, no adverse reaction this time around. Perhaps even my body has accepted that this theory, long in planning and exploration, is finally becoming a fact. A reality that is just as much mine as it is Taylor’s. I finally see that too.

In a few short weeks I will get my first taste of Africa. Taylor and I are heading over to get a few things in order for our arrival in August. I had always imagined that I would get off the plane and be struck by hot, dry air full of unusual smells but those visions belong to a different part of Africa. To someone else’s journey. Uganda is tropical, humid, warm, lush and green. I do not seem to be able to conjure visions for myself.

I am equal parts excited and nervous. I am ready for change. I am ready for growth. I am ready to fully realize my personal destiny and goals. I have such an intense feeling of rightness about this move. I can’t explain it well as it is so new to me. I honestly feel as though I am pulsing with Universal energy. I am full of it and it is a wonderful feeling. I am ready to give and receive magic! I am going to move mountains and accomplish my goals.

I know I am walking through a door that will lead to fundamental changes for my family and me. I will be forever changed in ways impossible to imagine and never see things in quite the same way. I am ready to see through new eyes.

The photo is of people making furniture by the side of the road, a common sight in Kampala.

Self portrait Tuesday- Black and white 2

Happiness is a choice. I was reminded of that this weekend and when I was it suddenly seemed so strange that I could have ever forgotten. I have been so focused on tasks, changes and challenges that I was sinking a bit under them. I was focusing on the whole of the situation and feeling so small in light of it all. I was wishing for things to be different. I began to play those old negative and fear based tapes in my head again.

I think I finally changed the messages for good. It is such a simple concept and yet not always easy to apply. You have to do the work too.

I have been reminded that life is magic. We create our reality every moment and are the architects of our lives. The possibilities seem limitless to me again and I am full of enthusiasm for the future. I am achieving all that I have set out to do.

I know good things are manifesting in my life and that they will be beneficial for more people than just me. I can feel them growing about to break the surface just like the spring bulbs in my yard. I can sense the magic flowing into and expanding the beautiful things around me. I am filled with gratitude and anticipation of this wondrous thing that is life.

The beautiful and talented Roma has tagged me, so here are six strange things about me.

1. The world in my head, my imagination, seems more real to me than the “real world” a lot of the time. This is especially true when I have been painting (or another type of work like sculpture or mixed media) for long periods of time. I will find it really hard to do day-to-day things like drive or cook. It is hard for me to keep my thoughts out of the clouds and in my body. It is why I lit four fires in my house between Dec-Jan. I am a danger to myself!

2. I can do a mean impression of a dolphin. My husband thinks it is hysterical.

3. I can close my nostrils. I used to do it when I was a little kid when I was swimming. My dad used to ask me to do it for him all the time. He loved my nose because I get a white line across the tip every summer that just doesn't tan and could close my nostrils.

4. I used to have flying dreams all the time. They were long, very vivid and some of the best dreams I have ever had. They were so real that I can still feel what it is like to fly, like my body has a memory of doing it. I haven’t had one since my dad died.

5. When I was little I used to love eating raw bacon and raw potatoes. My mom used to get so angry with me for doing it but I loved them with stolen sips of my dad’s beer. Isn’t that just foul!?! I have been a vegetarian since I was 13, so the idea of it now is just horrifying!

Ok, that was a bit embarrassing but there you go!

Self portrait Tuesday- Black and white

This month’s self portrait challenge is black and white. I love black and white photos, they are amazing and have a crisp clean quality to them that I find refreshing.

However, in life I find that there are very few things that are black and white. It would be much easier to navigate life’s trials and tribulations if the answers really were black and white and clear.

I am living in a world of grey. At the moment it is a challenge to tell the difference between the grey scales of choices I am confronted with. You can think about a situation, marinate on it, rage at it, cry about it, celebrate it, accept it and still, things are a bit grey.

I guess at the end of the day, I have learned to celebrate the grey. Black and white, while beautiful is a bit extreme. We can all come a bit closer together and meet in the grey.

PS: Thank you Boho, for all you do! I love you!

Trying for balance

I have been feeling a bit blah lately. I think spending an entire week in bed ill has left me with a head full of fuzz and a to do list blown to hell. I still don’t feel great but I feel a lot better and am trying to reemerge. I am still a bit off balance but I am hoping after a week of attention to life, health, goals I will feel energetic, healthy and more of myself again. Here is a snap shot of some of the things floating around my head.

Things that are haunting me because I know I should be doing them but life is getting in the way:
• Researching grants for my African project.
• Clean out my closet.
• Clean out the office and downstairs floor, in fact clean my whole house it is a disaster!
• Wash my car.
• Catch up on correspondence.
• Reaching out to new galleries.
• Take photos of everything for my on-line shop.
• Setting up an eBay store.
• Learn how to make prints of my paintings, if anyone knows how I’d LOVE some pointers! Please email me if you have any.


Things I am doing/have done to make myself feel better about me on the outside, cuz sometimes you just need to.
• Dye my hair dark brown for the fist time, I think I am feeling more like a brunette. Not that I am one naturally, but it feels right for now.
• Tint my eyebrows and lashes to match my new hair because blonde brows and lashes coupled with my light complexion make me look like a corpse without make-up (which is my usual state).
• Get a facial in hopes of healing my eyes.
• Gat seaweed wrap and massage.
• Meet with my personal trainer for a new program, I need a change and some new motivation.
• Take vitamins daily
• Do a 3 day juice fast.

Things that are driving me crazy:
• Being sick for the better part of the month.
• Not going to the gym for two weeks because of illness and feeling huge and disconnected from my body.
• My list of domestic chores.
• How quickly time is flying by, we are going to be leaving before I know it.
• The painful stress rash that has broken out on my eyes of all places making me look at least 10 years older.
• My teeth, I have several that are killing me (including my wisdom teeth that are a decade late in being pulled) and my dentist had to cancel my appointment and I am waiting for another opening.

Things I am doing to try to shake the cobwebs out of my head, re-engage with my life and my goals:
• Work on my journal, which serves as a journal, sketchbook, vision board and goal record. I worked on it a lot this weekend and I am in love with my new book! I started it when 7 beautiful women came to visit and I feel them with me when I work on it.
• Start a new painting.
• Draft some emails/letters to various types of contacts for my African project. I am opening myself up to advice, support, contacts, connections, I am hoping to create a network and learn from others. I feel like I need to reach out for support in order to accomplish these goals.

Miscellaneous thoughts, activities and ramblings:
• I am reading The Alchemist by Paul Coelho, The State of Africa, and The Elephant Vanishes by Haruki Murakami.
• I am watching Vanilla Sky, An Inconvenient Truth, a documentary about an artist called, Robert Rauschenberg: Inventive Genius and am anxiously awaiting the release of The Science of Sleep on Tuesday.
• I am listening to a mixed Cd made by the beautiful Susannah with ink on her fingers. I love song 14, keep playing it over and over!
• I am drinking tea, lots of tea.
• I am loving the thick morning fog that makes the world feel magical allowing me to pretend to be in a novel like The Mists of Avalon.
• I am hoping to take a trip to see some dear friends before leaving for Africa. Now that I know we will be gone for so long, I am aching to see as many close friends as possible. Can anyone come see me here???

I hope all is well in your worlds and that you all have much clearer minds than I do right now!