Abre los Ojos

I have been feeling a lot lately. Feeling sick, feeling overwhelmed, feeling hopeful, feeling confused. In truth, for the first time in a long time, I don’t know exactly where I am, emotionally, at the moment.

What I do know is that December was full of emotional upheaval for us. It looked like all our plans were going to fall through and we were forced to sit and wait for answers that were beyond our control. It made me take a serious look at what I wanted and reassess my commitment to our plans for the future. It was illuminating if not exhausting.

The result of December’s stress is that I have spent the majority of January ill. I have been sicker that I have been in ages. I am pretty drained emotionally and physically, which makes it hard to get an accurate read on my emotions.

I was watching the movie Vanilla Sky from my sick bed today (one of my favorite movies despite the fact that Tom Cruise is in it). One of the central themes of the movie is that of “the bitter and the sweet”. The idea that one does not appreciate the sweet things in life without also having experienced the sour.

One of my favorite books, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran addresses that theme as well in the portion about joy and sorrow. He writes. “ The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain”.

I genuinely believe that this is true. I think right now I am experiencing some growing pains and fear related to some things that are also my greatest joys. I am a bit mentally and emotional scattered right now but some how on the horizon I can see clarity coming. I think I am getting back to a place where I can figure it all out. I am beginning to open my eyes.

Where I've been

I took quite a bit of time off from writing here over December and January. I was busy painting and thinking. I needed to focus on so many things going on in my world: our upcoming move, our last holiday season with family for a while, and my personal goals and what I hope to accomplish in the coming years. I think best when I am painting. It is my yoga and my best form of expression.

I thought I would share the finial painting with you. In one picture the color is off, too yellow. I am still trying to figure out how to photograph my own work. Anyway, here are a few shots of the painting as it progressed. I hope you enjoy.



I am not going to share what this painting means to me this time. The few friends that have seen it have come up with the most amazing stories, symbolism etc to accompany the piece that I would rather leave it open to your imaginations. I hope you like it!

Self portrait Tuesday- Resolutions

One of the most important resolutions I made this year is to spend more time painting. It is my first love, my passion and my job after all. Life seems to have come between us more in the last year than ever before. It is a challenge to be in a family with a husband that has such a huge career and a son with unique needs, they are such big people that at times I feel myself getting lost. I allow that to happen, it is my own fault and I am going to turn it around.

Whenever I paint, I feel like myself again. I just finished a painting over the weekend and will share it soon. I am hoping to start another today. I know when we get to Africa it may be hard to find supplies but I will find a way to paint there too.

Why I love him.

I love my husband. I love him because he is gentle, kind, SMART, thoughtful, child-like, playful, responsible and a million other things.

Yesterday he sent me an email that said, “I found this in my word files and it brought back good memories, love you.” He had attached a file containing our wedding ceremony, which he wrote. It was wonderful to sit there reading through it and thinking of what the words meant to me then and now. Reading the words from this side of marriage, as a woman who has been married for 7 years, they had new meaning for me. They seemed even richer knowing we have confronted many challenges and experienced many blessings and through it all an even stronger bond has formed than existed that day seven years ago.

I feel so blessed to have a partner that genuinely challenges me to be the best version of myself. He tells it to me like it is and makes me walk my talk. He recognizes when I am struggling and steps in with support like a spa day or a hug. I am a lucky woman.

Here is a bit of the ceremony, I thought I would share it as I am feeling a new sense of connection. That new feeling deserves a witness.



Marriage has been described as the best and most important relationship that can exist between two human being; the construction of the love and trust of two people into a single growing energy of spiritual life. It is a moral commitment that requires and deserves daily attention and effort. Marriage should be a life-long consecration to the ideal of loving kindness, backed by the will to make it last.
True marriage is more than joining in the bonds of matrimony of two persons. It is the most intimate and sublime union between a man and a woman and in its right relation, it is the uniting of two souls already attuned to each other.
When such a true bond already exists between a man and a woman, it is proper that an outer acknowledgement be made. This acknowledgement is the primary purpose of this ceremony. We are here to bear witness to the entry into the closer relationship of husband and wife and these two beloved friends who are already one in spirit.

Taylor and Letha, you are now performing an act of utter faith, believing in each other to the utmost. Never forget, deny, or lose the vision you share with each other. Guard against allowing this vision to be blurred or blotted out by the commonplace experiences of life. The truth of your vision will be tested in the weeks, months, and years to come.
However, as each of you stay in touch with your inner self, the inner source of wisdom, the true beauty of each other, will be revealed. Be unmoved in your trust and devotion. Remain confident in yourself and the bond between you. Amid the seeming imperfections, remember that the vision of the ideal of your partner and your relationship will still exist and that when you rise above this vision you have touched each other’s souls. Feel safe and secure that in truth and reality, this vision which you now share is always seeking to grow through expression between you and your partner.
The wholeness of the inner self is always the final truth. You see it now and it will always exist. Letha, this is the man, and Taylor, this is the woman, that you love. Nurture this image of wholeness in your innermost heart. Make this image real in your united lives, and your home will be a place of repair and safe harbor, a dwelling place of serenity, contentment, and abiding joy.
When two people join together in marriage, knowing deep in their hearts that they belong, and realizing some greater power than themselves had brought them together, what comes next? In a true relationship, life becomes a process of helping each other to fulfill the divine purposes that each has upon this earth: to strengthen, guide, and perfect one another, and to become one.

Self portrait Tuesday- Resolutions

Acceptance

I have always heard that when you hit your thirties, you begin to truly accept yourself. That you really don’t care what anyone else thinks and you become comfortable in your own skin (I am primarily referring to my physical self here). I turned 35 in November and I am still waiting for this enlightened way of thinking.

So this year I resolve to try to accept myself. I am going to try to let go of the expectation of myself to be perfect. I am going to try to enjoy being me, wonderfully flawed me. I am going to stop obsessing about my body and the new lines forming around my eyes.

I took this photo and the beautiful Boho "tweaked" it for me. Thanks Den!

What you can do with a life...

It is in each of us to create magic.

It is so easy to forget that and to feel small. To let ourselves believe that solutions to problems are beyond our control or are for someone smarter or richer to solve. Lately, I have been aware of just how much difference one life can make. How possible it is for a small person (like me) to affect change and to help others. We can all make a difference.

I have been reading about some amazing people that are making major impacts on the world. People like Dr. Jeffery Sachs who is attempting to end extreme poverty (within 20 years no less) through his Millennium Villages, Wangari Maathai who is planting trees and protecting the environment in her native Kenya and Oprah with her school in South Africa soon to be replicated throughout the continent.

There is much that I hope to accomplish in the coming year and beyond. It is an aggressive plan I admit and it would be easy to think that it is beyond me. To let myself assume it would require someone smarter and with more resources and/or experience. However, I am not going to give into that kind of thinking. I know I can manage it; I can achieve these goals and see them soar.

Whenever I feel small I think about the amazing women that have blazed trails and moved mountains ahead of me. Women that came from small places, leading normal lives some overcoming under-privileged circumstances and/or adversity. Women whose lives rose to great heights to the benefit of us all. Women that create magic!

If you are interested you can read about a few of my inspirations:

Eleanor Roosevelt, I could go on for days listing many things she did! She was a humanitarian, diplomat, social reformer, and author. She worked on behalf of youth, blacks, the poor, women, and the United Nations. She was an active member of the women's suffrage movement. She persuaded FDR to create the National Youth Administration (NYA), which provided financial aid to students and job training to young men and women. Her concern for disadvantaged black Americans, prompted her to work closely with organizations such as the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP).

She became a delegate to the United Nations General Assembly, specializing in humanitarian, social, and cultural issues. In 1948, she drafted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which affirmed life, liberty, and equality internationally for all people regardless of race, creed or color. It states that everyone has equal protection under the law and freedom of thought, conscience, speech, religion, and peaceful assembly. That all people can choose their employment; have the right to decent working conditions, protection against unemployment, and to form unions. All people have the right to participate in the governing of their nations.

Wangari Maathai won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2004 for her work protecting the environment, planting trees and providing jobs. She began her campaign in 1977 with a resistant government. She said, “Protecting the global environment is directly related to securing peace”. She now works from within the government by winning a seat in Kenya’s Parliament.
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Oprah, she is just pure magic! She highlights and discusses important issues and is extremely generous. The school she recently opened in South Africa for girls is an amazing act!

Madonna, for breaking down barriers, tackling social taboos, and making it ok for women to be sexual. Her recent work in Malawi is wondrous. Oh, and for providing dance music for the tribe in my kitchen!

New Year, new beginnings...

I can’t believe it’s January, another new year and a new beginning. I spent the last bit of ’06 in a self-imposed seclusion. Taking a little time to think about the past year, about it’s challenges and it’s lessons (and there were many of both). I needed to pull into myself to gather my thoughts, my strength, nurse my wounds and focus my goals.

Now 2006 is over and as 2007 begins I think it is good to return to blogging with a few things I am grateful for and a few things I have been thinking about.

I am so grateful for my son as always. He is such an amazing individual, so unique and special. We were talking last night about the idea of adopting when we get to Uganda. I asked him how he would feel about adding to our family by inviting a child that had lost his/her parents to join our family. He asked me, “do we get to keep them forever?” I replied, “Yes, forever. They would be in our family just like you are.” He smiled and immediately said, “Oh! I have a great idea! Let’s got one from every continent!” I smiled and said, “Well maybe a little boy from Uganda and a little sister from China”. I love that he is so on-board with the idea of adopting. There is no possessiveness of his family or jealousy about it at all. I am so thankful to have him as my son. It is exciting to watch him develop as a person and to think about what he might do with his life. I wonder what he will accomplish with his combination of high intelligence, huge heart and exposure to the world. The possibilities are endless!

I am grateful to have found an organization to help us navigate the world of “highly capable youngsters and young scholars”. It is almost impossible to find books devoted to the topic. We have blessed to have found an organization that provides community, resources, financial assistance and experts in the field. I am looking forward to deepening our relationship with them throughout the year.

I am suddenly unable to escape the awareness that in a few short months our lives will be changing dramatically. We will be leaving for Africa late this summer. There remain so many decisions to be made, tasks to be done and plans to set in motion. I can hardly believe that seven years of planning is finally behind us and here we are, about to embark on something so monumental. It is so surreal and exciting.

I am a resolution maker and this year I have felt an even stronger pull towards change, towards evolving for the better. It feels like the perfect time to do a little mental house cleaning and cut out even more of the bullshit and the distractions. It is time to really focus on what is real, what matters, what is possible!!!

I think this year may turn out to be among the most important in my life. This is going to be a year full of huge transitions, an unfolding of plans and a deepening of purpose and direction. Embarking on a journey that will lead me to realize another portion of my life’s purpose. I think 2007 is going to be brilliant! I hope it is for everyone else too.