Monday, July 17, 2006

Some days you are just stuck in the muck!




Today is one of those days for me. I think there is just too much on my mind, too many things to do, too many changes on the horizon and truth be told, too many things out of my control.

A few days ago, my husband got the green light on his African project. We are definallty going and it looks like we will be leaving next July. Exactly one year away. One year seems to pass by like the blink of an eye. I have really wanted this to go through for him and his career, for the people we can help and for the experiences I know we will all have. Intellectually I realize that this is a huge adventure and will have many positive outcomes.

Intellectually, I get it. My heart however, is a slow learner.

I am having a love affair with my life here, life is good here and it will be difficult to leave. I love our home; it is such a sanctuary to me. I walk in and feel myself relax and soothed like the comfort of an old friend. I am having fun creating our garden and I am delighted to see it’s blooming. I water ever morning and look at the plants checking for new growth, weeding and planting new flowers. I have friends I love and have made several new ones recently that I adore. I have a running group and a gym I love…always helpful! My glorious studio where the space is all mine and safe and full of inspiration. My family is here; we are living in the same city with the majority of our family for the first time in 5 years. It will be so hard to leave them again. It has been wonderful for my son to be near his grandparents and great for his parents to have such support.

I am feeling…to be honest I don’t really even know how to articulate the conflicting emotions rolling over me. I know it is based in fear. I am not really afraid to live in Africa, although I know there are risks and dangers involved. I think what I really fear is how my life will change. How will my career survive? Will this be good for us all as a family?

I am not one of those women that can be content with following my husband around without something for myself. Something to help me feel worthy, productive, fulfilled.

Today, on this gray Northwest morning, I am feeling contemplative, fearful, and a little sad. The picture was taken on our trip to England, it is in the Lake district. The waterfall was beautiful, flowing, cleansing, healing, life giving. It felt like a good photo to use.

12 Comments:

Blogger la vie en rose said...

muck sucks! there's no doubt about that.

i think any life change, whether it be positive or negative (if you can even lable them that way), brings up grief and loss. you are leaving one life/one way of being for something unknown and unfamilar. i think grieving the change, grieving the losses, is only natural and i'd be more concerned if you weren't feeling all of this. all that is to say you are probably feeling exactly what you need to be feeling. let the grieving happen. grief and joy can exist together.

11:41 AM  
Blogger b/sistersshoes said...

I'm sorry your sad...

It does sound like an adventure though and may just give you a different source of energy for your artistic self.

And home...truly is where the heart is...

but, I feel for you about the real facts:
~leaving a house you love
~moving away from family
~disrupting changes
BOO....it does suck~

dar xxx

1:38 PM  
Blogger megg said...

I don't know what to say to you, my friend. I am torn between wanting to fill you full of excitement for your incredible adventure and to commiserate with you about how much is stinks that you have begun to create a real home and a rooted life and that you now have to give that up for awhile. Sigh. What a complicated, fraught place for your soul to be right now. I'm here if you need me.

P.S. I just told Mark that we needed to go and visit you in Africa - does that help any?! xoxo

1:49 PM  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

It looks like you might have a lot of visitors soooo that will help! I hear and when I seeeeeeeeeeee pictures of Africa YOU will be posting beauty full photos for us! There's Letha on an elephant! and look at the giraffes! and there goes a zebra! Can I visit too? lol

5:02 PM  
Anonymous zingtrial said...

Hi, Yes Africa is nice and warm,Wish you well,liked reading through.
zt http://zingtrial.blogsome.com/

7:06 PM  
Blogger Madeleine said...

hello...:)
i've just found your site through the comment you left me, thankyou for your lovely words.
i understand the fear and worry of moving away, but sometimes the anticipation is worse than the reality and once you've begun your journey the fear subsides and you fins that you are actually enjouying the experience.
good luck to you and your family, i'm sure it will be a great adventure for you all..
it looks like you're in good hands with THAT man!!
i'll have to come back and check up you again very soon!!

5:20 AM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Oh sweetie....sending you hugs.

I can just imagine the conflict of all these emotions.

Grown up life and decisions often seems so difficult.

I am sure it is a combo of fear and mourning leaving your family. I think the rest you can have or supplant with something else while in Africa.

Love to you

6:17 AM  
Blogger M said...

I'm sending you big hugs! The uncertainty and anticipation must be hard, but maybe these feelings are only trying to help you find your way. A year will go fast, but it's also 365 days to enjoy where you are and get ready for where you are going! You will have the life you want, I know it!
Love the photo and especially the one with you and your hubby- too cute. So glad you are back online!

9:00 AM  
Blogger Sarah e.Smith said...

That is quite a move...but just think of how interesting the next chapter of your life will be! I have no doubt that you and your creative soul will flourish with these changes.

10:54 AM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

sometimes we have these moments that remind us that being a grown-up is kind of crappy. even though you see it for the adventure it is (and holy crap it is one!) that doesn't mean it isn't so hard to move and leave this place for a little while. it is hard. but this is it, the only life you get (that we know of, of course), and how amazing that you get to live part of it in africa. that is pretty incredible my friend.

love and hugs,
liz

12:05 AM  
Blogger Misty Mawn said...

How very exciting! I know how you must be feeling, I so badly want to move to a new location...one far from here, but my life is so great here, so why would I want to move...well, I need that change. I will be the same person, but how wonderful to be somewhere, where everything is fresh and new. I am so exctied for you. I am looking forward to watching the time unfold for you.
Your pictures of your art and life are very moving. xo

6:25 AM  
Blogger kelly rae said...

catching up on your blog after our move to oakland, and am sitting here reading your posts about moving and i have such empathy for you! though my move to oakland is far from the experience of moving to uganda, i also struggle with moving from a place i loved, where life was good for me, to a new place so that my husband can pursue his career. it's a delicate balance of emotions. from excitement, to pride, to fear, to concern, back to feeling adventurous. good luck to you both in the journey to prepare for the move and also to your upcoming show. your paintings are all amazing.

9:45 PM  

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