Some days you are just stuck in the muck!

Today is one of those days for me. I think there is just too much on my mind, too many things to do, too many changes on the horizon and truth be told, too many things out of my control.

A few days ago, my husband got the green light on his African project. We are definallty going and it looks like we will be leaving next July. Exactly one year away. One year seems to pass by like the blink of an eye. I have really wanted this to go through for him and his career, for the people we can help and for the experiences I know we will all have. Intellectually I realize that this is a huge adventure and will have many positive outcomes.

Intellectually, I get it. My heart however, is a slow learner.

I am having a love affair with my life here, life is good here and it will be difficult to leave. I love our home; it is such a sanctuary to me. I walk in and feel myself relax and soothed like the comfort of an old friend. I am having fun creating our garden and I am delighted to see it’s blooming. I water ever morning and look at the plants checking for new growth, weeding and planting new flowers. I have friends I love and have made several new ones recently that I adore. I have a running group and a gym I love…always helpful! My glorious studio where the space is all mine and safe and full of inspiration. My family is here; we are living in the same city with the majority of our family for the first time in 5 years. It will be so hard to leave them again. It has been wonderful for my son to be near his grandparents and great for his parents to have such support.

I am feeling…to be honest I don’t really even know how to articulate the conflicting emotions rolling over me. I know it is based in fear. I am not really afraid to live in Africa, although I know there are risks and dangers involved. I think what I really fear is how my life will change. How will my career survive? Will this be good for us all as a family?

I am not one of those women that can be content with following my husband around without something for myself. Something to help me feel worthy, productive, fulfilled.

Today, on this gray Northwest morning, I am feeling contemplative, fearful, and a little sad. The picture was taken on our trip to England, it is in the Lake district. The waterfall was beautiful, flowing, cleansing, healing, life giving. It felt like a good photo to use.