Moonlighting Artist

It's all in a day...

2007-03-14T23:12:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how many things can happen in one day here. Time seem to have a different rhythm and flow in Uganda, it feels like I have been here so much longer than 5 days. I have to be honest, yesterday was the first day I had real extreme low points. Perhaps I need to process more deeply some of the things I have been seeing, maybe it is a cumulative effect but there were moments yesterday I was worried about how I will handle certain things living here. Here are a few thoughts I had during my 4th day in Kampala...

Today the air quality is very poor. My eyes are stinging and my throat and lungs are burning from all the smoke in the air the last few days. I feel a bit like I am choking. It is the hot, dry season so there is virtually no air movement, no rain and so the exhaust fumes from the heavy traffic and the smoke from the fires all just sits over and around us. It is a bit oppressive today and I am feeling like I want to move away from it only there is nowhere to go.

I spent a bit more time in the pediatric cancer ward at the hospital yesterday. It is so hard to see. There are at least two children to a bed and the families sleep with them and on the floors near the beds. There is no air conditioning or fans like in the hospitals at home so the air is hot and thick. These wards are just big concrete rooms with several rows of cots in them. The windows are open but often covered so the children can try to sleep. The smells are potent and it is difficult to pretend not to notice and smile and offer comfort with your eyes. I try to keep my eyes free of shock, pity, fear or any other unhelpful or condescending emotion. I am really trying to learn to offer help with grace, to not feel separate from what I am seeing but a part of it. To learn to inhabit this world and be at peace with it. I think that is the only place from which I can help.

I went to visit a non-profit organization yesterday. It was amazing and so inspiring! The most exciting part is that now I know I can make my non-profit work, I know it is possible to do. There is still a lot I need to work out but I am so excited about it. I have found several resources here that are willing to offer support and guidance and that is huge! I have also come to the decision that I want/need a partner based in the US to work with me. The lady I spoke with yesterday has two partners in the US and I think that is the way to go. So, now I am going to have to go on a hunt to see if someone is interested in working with me from their home. I am SO excited.

A cockroach ran over my foot as I was drinking my morning coffee. I am going to have to learn to make friends with bugs. There is just no getting around it. No matter how clean your house, they are still there. They are everywhere. As a pampered girl, I generally associate them with camping or uncleanness; they are just a fact of life here.

Ok, I had accepted the fact that power goes out here frequently which I hate but as I said have come to terms with. I was prepared for it. There are mandatory rolling power outages here; generally every other day you have no power. You can buy a battery thing that will give you extra power, maybe 6 hours worth so you only loose maybe ½ day. So, it is not too great but not the worst thing either. However, this morning we woke up to no water, only to find that this is not too uncommon either. Water is a MUCH bigger deal to me, no shower, no toilet. YIKES!!! It is too hot and too dusty not to shower every day. In fact, showering feels sooooo good here ☺

This afternoon was my first moment of really feeling some fear about my ability to live here. We were driving to the CDC for T to have a meeting. I went because their location is on a hill over looking Lake Victoria. T told me it is a beautiful spot and the drive would afford me new views of the countryside, old Kampala and the villages along the way.

As we were headed out of town on one of the busiest streets in Kampala there was a man sitting naked in the street, scooting himself along the ground slowly through a busy round-about and looking ill either physically, mentally or both. It was so sad to see and I was terrified he was going to be hit. I guess it must be relatively common because no one seemed to be paying any attention to him or offering to help him out of the middle of the street. I was shaken and sitting in the car thinking about him and feeling guilty and awful when we were stopped by one of the few lights in town.

I noticed a woman sitting in a chair on the side of the road with a small infant in her lap. We were in a SUV and obviously Misungus (foreigners). She looked at us with an expression of both boredom and something between indifference and dislike. She stood up and casually swung the infant up by one of its arms and walked toward the car. She stood next to my window and held the baby up to me, gesturing to her mouth and holding out her hand for money. The baby had a head wound that was healing and didn’t seem to be well cared for. I wanted to give her something but both T and our driver told me no. That only encourages the behavior and it isn’t really helpful. It was the longest red light of my life! I kept looking into her eyes and looking at the baby and I felt small, powerless, and guilty for not being born into her situation. She didn’t even try to approach the men in the car; she was appealing to me as a woman. My heart was aching for the baby, which she didn’t really seem to have much regard for, it was almost as if she was just using it as a tool. Honestly, the way she swung it and held it, I don’t think she was the mother.

As I waited for T to finish his meeting with the CDC, I sat on the steps and looked out at Lake Victoria and I wondered how in the world I would ever get used to the suffering and learn to set boundaries. To the mixture of emotions it brings to my heart. I have to say, it was a trip low point for me and I am still struggling with it. I hope that by starting the non-profit and working with the children, helping and making a difference I will begin to feel more at ease with refusing to hand out money as I walk down the streets.

On our drive home from Entebbe there was an accident, which has dramatic effects on already bad traffic. It took 3 hours to go 4 km!! You can't get out and walk because there are no sidewalks and the traffic is very dangerous. It is even more stressful because people start yelling and hitting the car in frustration. I could feel the tears that had been threatening throughout the day stinging my eyes.

We finally got to our destination and met some friends for dinner and DRINKS, which helped sooth my frayed nerves. After dinner I started to get really ill and as we had no water it was a problem. I am still shaky and nauseous as I write this but it is a new day. It is day 5 and I am hoping it will be a better one. I woke up to running water and had a shower and a bug-free morning coffee. It is a better day already!

First Impressions of Kampala...

2007-03-13T02:28:00.000-07:00

I knew Uganda would have a distinctive smell and it does. I had anticipated my first breath of Africa for so long, wondering what it would be like and now I know. We exited the plane late at night so there was a cool breeze to break the hot thick air. Air that smells like a mixture of wildflowers and campfires. They have so waste removal process here so all the trash is burned; something there is talk of rectifying. There are always fires burning so the odor is constant.

I have only been here for 2 ½ days so it is hard to describe all I am feeling and thinking about this fascinating place. I think Uganda has to be one of the most vivid, frenetic, colorful, fragrant (not always pleasantly so) and alive places on earth. I am taking in so many new sights; sounds and emotions that I think it will take me a few days of good sleep and processing to be able to share articulately.

I would love to share a few early impressions and observations, so here you go. My thoughts on Kampala so far…

Kampala is a flurry of activity and the traffic is insane! There is no other word for it, INSANE!! There are three traffic lights in the city and the rest of the streets are managed (and I use the term loosely) by round abouts. As in much of the developing world, the rule of the road seems to be, if there is space, move into it. The roads are full of boda bodas, which are motorcycle type things that have a cushion on the back for a passenger to ride on. They dart in and out of traffic with what can only be described as erratic and unconcerned demeanor about any vehicle (or pedestrian for that matter) in their path. I spend a lot of time in the car jumping and squealing. My husband says it is like driving with a cat in the front seat. I am terrified we are going to witness someone get killed and from what I hear it is only a matter of time.

The first morning the birds woke me. Living in Seattle you get used to traffic, sirens, boat horns and assorted other noises. I had expected it to be very quiet where we are here as it is pretty rural. I neglected to think about all the birds and insects that have something to say. It is like sleeping with one of those tropical CDs on. It is amazing how loud it is and how beautiful. Shortly after the birds woke me, I began to hear singing. It was Sunday morning and you could hear singing from the church up the road. It was so beautiful and emotional to hear all the voices in song, harmonizing with the birds. It was a nice first morning.

There is so much need here. I am so acutely aware of how blessed and pampered I am. I have spent some time the last two days at the hospital complex where my husband is based. There are people camping out all over the grounds. They are so numerous that industry has sprung up as well in the form of vendors selling snacks and the feeling is one of a little village. They come from near and far for treatment and sleep here while undergoing care. It is so humbling to see them, sleeping on dirt paths and clinic steps and know they are the lucky ones that can afford to pay for treatment. It is difficult for me to see so many people so ill. I am not accustom to it and have to learn how to handle it with grace. The sick here are much more extreme than you see at home. Often they have large growths or open wounds from lack of treatment. It is very…I am at a loss for the words.

The kids here are so darn cute!! They are so playful and scamper about all over. I am struck by how young they are when they take on responsibility here. I have seen what look like seven year olds with infants strapped to their back or slung on their hips. They walk around the crazy city streets on their own. I cannot imagine my son walking alone here and it makes me full of admiration and sadness for these kids.

Ok, that is it for now…my jetlag is catching up to me again and I am groggy. I will share more when I am better able to articulate it.

and so it begins...

2007-03-08T07:45:00.000-08:00

It has been a crazy few weeks. We went up to Canada for a week and returned to a BIG to do list. I'd love to share more and I will at a later date. At the moment we are rushing about the house getting ready to go again. In two hours I will be on a plane headed for my first view of Uganda! I am going for 10 days. I have meetings set up and I hope by the end of the trip I will be able to see what life in Kampala will be like.

I will keep a journal and take pictures so I can share my trip. Wish me luck!!!

XOXO

2nd Anniversary

2007-02-17T10:49:00.000-08:00

2nd Anniversary

Little girl
twirl, twirl, twirl
doing my tricks
oh please watch me
approve

I wish you would pick me up
spin me around
take me with you, one of our drives
hold me close so I can smell your after-shave
I could always smell you coming down the hall

Later, drinks by the Bay
secret lunches
long talks and walks
faxes and emails, technology is our friend
helps you hide
our relationship
from your relationship
stolen moments and secrets make me feel
like a bastard

Folded up
all in you
from you
for you
a fragile paper sculpture
that should be carved in stone

Crinkled and creased
all on my own
I forgive you
I am you

Uganda Phase 1, part 5

2007-02-16T11:02:00.001-08:00

It has been a little while since I’ve written about Uganda. Though I have not shared much recently, it is always on my mind and influencing our lives. We went through a few rough patches in our planning. In fact, in December we thought all our plans were going to come crumbling down around us. By January they had been repaired and changed for the better and now the wheels are beginning to turn again. In fact, they seem to be gaining speed at an alarming rate.

I had my second round of immunizations and they went much more smoothly than the first, no adverse reaction this time around. Perhaps even my body has accepted that this theory, long in planning and exploration, is finally becoming a fact. A reality that is just as much mine as it is Taylor’s. I finally see that too.

In a few short weeks I will get my first taste of Africa. Taylor and I are heading over to get a few things in order for our arrival in August. I had always imagined that I would get off the plane and be struck by hot, dry air full of unusual smells but those visions belong to a different part of Africa. To someone else’s journey. Uganda is tropical, humid, warm, lush and green. I do not seem to be able to conjure visions for myself.

I am equal parts excited and nervous. I am ready for change. I am ready for growth. I am ready to fully realize my personal destiny and goals. I have such an intense feeling of rightness about this move. I can’t explain it well as it is so new to me. I honestly feel as though I am pulsing with Universal energy. I am full of it and it is a wonderful feeling. I am ready to give and receive magic! I am going to move mountains and accomplish my goals.

I know I am walking through a door that will lead to fundamental changes for my family and me. I will be forever changed in ways impossible to imagine and never see things in quite the same way. I am ready to see through new eyes.

The photo is of people making furniture by the side of the road, a common sight in Kampala.

Self portrait Tuesday- Black and white 2

2007-02-13T11:20:00.000-08:00

Happiness is a choice. I was reminded of that this weekend and when I was it suddenly seemed so strange that I could have ever forgotten. I have been so focused on tasks, changes and challenges that I was sinking a bit under them. I was focusing on the whole of the situation and feeling so small in light of it all. I was wishing for things to be different. I began to play those old negative and fear based tapes in my head again.

I think I finally changed the messages for good. It is such a simple concept and yet not always easy to apply. You have to do the work too.

I have been reminded that life is magic. We create our reality every moment and are the architects of our lives. The possibilities seem limitless to me again and I am full of enthusiasm for the future. I am achieving all that I have set out to do.

I know good things are manifesting in my life and that they will be beneficial for more people than just me. I can feel them growing about to break the surface just like the spring bulbs in my yard. I can sense the magic flowing into and expanding the beautiful things around me. I am filled with gratitude and anticipation of this wondrous thing that is life.

2007-02-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

The beautiful and talented Roma has tagged me, so here are six strange things about me.

1. The world in my head, my imagination, seems more real to me than the “real world” a lot of the time. This is especially true when I have been painting (or another type of work like sculpture or mixed media) for long periods of time. I will find it really hard to do day-to-day things like drive or cook. It is hard for me to keep my thoughts out of the clouds and in my body. It is why I lit four fires in my house between Dec-Jan. I am a danger to myself!

2. I can do a mean impression of a dolphin. My husband thinks it is hysterical.

3. I can close my nostrils. I used to do it when I was a little kid when I was swimming. My dad used to ask me to do it for him all the time. He loved my nose because I get a white line across the tip every summer that just doesn't tan and could close my nostrils.

4. I used to have flying dreams all the time. They were long, very vivid and some of the best dreams I have ever had. They were so real that I can still feel what it is like to fly, like my body has a memory of doing it. I haven’t had one since my dad died.

5. When I was little I used to love eating raw bacon and raw potatoes. My mom used to get so angry with me for doing it but I loved them with stolen sips of my dad’s beer. Isn’t that just foul!?! I have been a vegetarian since I was 13, so the idea of it now is just horrifying!

Ok, that was a bit embarrassing but there you go!

Self portrait Tuesday- Black and white

2007-02-06T10:44:00.000-08:00

This month’s self portrait challenge is black and white. I love black and white photos, they are amazing and have a crisp clean quality to them that I find refreshing.

However, in life I find that there are very few things that are black and white. It would be much easier to navigate life’s trials and tribulations if the answers really were black and white and clear.

I am living in a world of grey. At the moment it is a challenge to tell the difference between the grey scales of choices I am confronted with. You can think about a situation, marinate on it, rage at it, cry about it, celebrate it, accept it and still, things are a bit grey.

I guess at the end of the day, I have learned to celebrate the grey. Black and white, while beautiful is a bit extreme. We can all come a bit closer together and meet in the grey.

PS: Thank you Boho, for all you do! I love you!

Trying for balance

2007-02-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling a bit blah lately. I think spending an entire week in bed ill has left me with a head full of fuzz and a to do list blown to hell. I still don’t feel great but I feel a lot better and am trying to reemerge. I am still a bit off balance but I am hoping after a week of attention to life, health, goals I will feel energetic, healthy and more of myself again. Here is a snap shot of some of the things floating around my head.

Things that are haunting me because I know I should be doing them but life is getting in the way:
• Researching grants for my African project.
• Clean out my closet.
• Clean out the office and downstairs floor, in fact clean my whole house it is a disaster!
• Wash my car.
• Catch up on correspondence.
• Reaching out to new galleries.
• Take photos of everything for my on-line shop.
• Setting up an eBay store.
• Learn how to make prints of my paintings, if anyone knows how I’d LOVE some pointers! Please email me if you have any.

Things I am doing/have done to make myself feel better about me on the outside, cuz sometimes you just need to.
• Dye my hair dark brown for the fist time, I think I am feeling more like a brunette. Not that I am one naturally, but it feels right for now.
• Tint my eyebrows and lashes to match my new hair because blonde brows and lashes coupled with my light complexion make me look like a corpse without make-up (which is my usual state).
• Get a facial in hopes of healing my eyes.
• Gat seaweed wrap and massage.
• Meet with my personal trainer for a new program, I need a change and some new motivation.
• Take vitamins daily
• Do a 3 day juice fast.

Things that are driving me crazy:
• Being sick for the better part of the month.
• Not going to the gym for two weeks because of illness and feeling huge and disconnected from my body.
• My list of domestic chores.
• How quickly time is flying by, we are going to be leaving before I know it.
• The painful stress rash that has broken out on my eyes of all places making me look at least 10 years older.
• My teeth, I have several that are killing me (including my wisdom teeth that are a decade late in being pulled) and my dentist had to cancel my appointment and I am waiting for another opening.

Things I am doing to try to shake the cobwebs out of my head, re-engage with my life and my goals:
• Work on my journal, which serves as a journal, sketchbook, vision board and goal record. I worked on it a lot this weekend and I am in love with my new book! I started it when 7 beautiful women came to visit and I feel them with me when I work on it.
• Start a new painting.
• Draft some emails/letters to various types of contacts for my African project. I am opening myself up to advice, support, contacts, connections, I am hoping to create a network and learn from others. I feel like I need to reach out for support in order to accomplish these goals.

Miscellaneous thoughts, activities and ramblings:
• I am reading The Alchemist by Paul Coelho, The State of Africa, and The Elephant Vanishes by Haruki Murakami.
• I am watching Vanilla Sky, An Inconvenient Truth, a documentary about an artist called, Robert Rauschenberg: Inventive Genius and am anxiously awaiting the release of The Science of Sleep on Tuesday.
• I am listening to a mixed Cd made by the beautiful Susannah with ink on her fingers. I love song 14, keep playing it over and over!
• I am drinking tea, lots of tea.
• I am loving the thick morning fog that makes the world feel magical allowing me to pretend to be in a novel like The Mists of Avalon.
• I am hoping to take a trip to see some dear friends before leaving for Africa. Now that I know we will be gone for so long, I am aching to see as many close friends as possible. Can anyone come see me here???

I hope all is well in your worlds and that you all have much clearer minds than I do right now!

Abre los Ojos

2007-01-31T15:00:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling a lot lately. Feeling sick, feeling overwhelmed, feeling hopeful, feeling confused. In truth, for the first time in a long time, I don’t know exactly where I am, emotionally, at the moment.

What I do know is that December was full of emotional upheaval for us. It looked like all our plans were going to fall through and we were forced to sit and wait for answers that were beyond our control. It made me take a serious look at what I wanted and reassess my commitment to our plans for the future. It was illuminating if not exhausting.

The result of December’s stress is that I have spent the majority of January ill. I have been sicker that I have been in ages. I am pretty drained emotionally and physically, which makes it hard to get an accurate read on my emotions.

I was watching the movie Vanilla Sky from my sick bed today (one of my favorite movies despite the fact that Tom Cruise is in it). One of the central themes of the movie is that of “the bitter and the sweet”. The idea that one does not appreciate the sweet things in life without also having experienced the sour.

One of my favorite books, The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran addresses that theme as well in the portion about joy and sorrow. He writes. “ The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain”.

I genuinely believe that this is true. I think right now I am experiencing some growing pains and fear related to some things that are also my greatest joys. I am a bit mentally and emotional scattered right now but some how on the horizon I can see clarity coming. I think I am getting back to a place where I can figure it all out. I am beginning to open my eyes.

Where I've been

2007-01-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

I took quite a bit of time off from writing here over December and January. I was busy painting and thinking. I needed to focus on so many things going on in my world: our upcoming move, our last holiday season with family for a while, and my personal goals and what I hope to accomplish in the coming years. I think best when I am painting. It is my yoga and my best form of expression.

I thought I would share the finial painting with you. In one picture the color is off, too yellow. I am still trying to figure out how to photograph my own work. Anyway, here are a few shots of the painting as it progressed. I hope you enjoy.

I am not going to share what this painting means to me this time. The few friends that have seen it have come up with the most amazing stories, symbolism etc to accompany the piece that I would rather leave it open to your imaginations. I hope you like it!

Self portrait Tuesday- Resolutions

2007-01-23T09:27:00.000-08:00

One of the most important resolutions I made this year is to spend more time painting. It is my first love, my passion and my job after all. Life seems to have come between us more in the last year than ever before. It is a challenge to be in a family with a husband that has such a huge career and a son with unique needs, they are such big people that at times I feel myself getting lost. I allow that to happen, it is my own fault and I am going to turn it around.

Whenever I paint, I feel like myself again. I just finished a painting over the weekend and will share it soon. I am hoping to start another today. I know when we get to Africa it may be hard to find supplies but I will find a way to paint there too.

Why I love him.

2007-01-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

I love my husband. I love him because he is gentle, kind, SMART, thoughtful, child-like, playful, responsible and a million other things.

Yesterday he sent me an email that said, “I found this in my word files and it brought back good memories, love you.” He had attached a file containing our wedding ceremony, which he wrote. It was wonderful to sit there reading through it and thinking of what the words meant to me then and now. Reading the words from this side of marriage, as a woman who has been married for 7 years, they had new meaning for me. They seemed even richer knowing we have confronted many challenges and experienced many blessings and through it all an even stronger bond has formed than existed that day seven years ago.

I feel so blessed to have a partner that genuinely challenges me to be the best version of myself. He tells it to me like it is and makes me walk my talk. He recognizes when I am struggling and steps in with support like a spa day or a hug. I am a lucky woman.

Here is a bit of the ceremony, I thought I would share it as I am feeling a new sense of connection. That new feeling deserves a witness.

Marriage has been described as the best and most important relationship that can exist between two human being; the construction of the love and trust of two people into a single growing energy of spiritual life. It is a moral commitment that requires and deserves daily attention and effort. Marriage should be a life-long consecration to the ideal of loving kindness, backed by the will to make it last.
True marriage is more than joining in the bonds of matrimony of two persons. It is the most intimate and sublime union between a man and a woman and in its right relation, it is the uniting of two souls already attuned to each other.
When such a true bond already exists between a man and a woman, it is proper that an outer acknowledgement be made. This acknowledgement is the primary purpose of this ceremony. We are here to bear witness to the entry into the closer relationship of husband and wife and these two beloved friends who are already one in spirit.

Taylor and Letha, you are now performing an act of utter faith, believing in each other to the utmost. Never forget, deny, or lose the vision you share with each other. Guard against allowing this vision to be blurred or blotted out by the commonplace experiences of life. The truth of your vision will be tested in the weeks, months, and years to come.
However, as each of you stay in touch with your inner self, the inner source of wisdom, the true beauty of each other, will be revealed. Be unmoved in your trust and devotion. Remain confident in yourself and the bond between you. Amid the seeming imperfections, remember that the vision of the ideal of your partner and your relationship will still exist and that when you rise above this vision you have touched each other’s souls. Feel safe and secure that in truth and reality, this vision which you now share is always seeking to grow through expression between you and your partner.
The wholeness of the inner self is always the final truth. You see it now and it will always exist. Letha, this is the man, and Taylor, this is the woman, that you love. Nurture this image of wholeness in your innermost heart. Make this image real in your united lives, and your home will be a place of repair and safe harbor, a dwelling place of serenity, contentment, and abiding joy.
When two people join together in marriage, knowing deep in their hearts that they belong, and realizing some greater power than themselves had brought them together, what comes next? In a true relationship, life becomes a process of helping each other to fulfill the divine purposes that each has upon this earth: to strengthen, guide, and perfect one another, and to become one.

Self portrait Tuesday- Resolutions

2007-01-16T14:43:00.000-08:00

Acceptance

I have always heard that when you hit your thirties, you begin to truly accept yourself. That you really don’t care what anyone else thinks and you become comfortable in your own skin (I am primarily referring to my physical self here). I turned 35 in November and I am still waiting for this enlightened way of thinking.

So this year I resolve to try to accept myself. I am going to try to let go of the expectation of myself to be perfect. I am going to try to enjoy being me, wonderfully flawed me. I am going to stop obsessing about my body and the new lines forming around my eyes.

I took this photo and the beautiful Boho "tweaked" it for me. Thanks Den!

What you can do with a life...

2007-01-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

It is in each of us to create magic.

It is so easy to forget that and to feel small. To let ourselves believe that solutions to problems are beyond our control or are for someone smarter or richer to solve. Lately, I have been aware of just how much difference one life can make. How possible it is for a small person (like me) to affect change and to help others. We can all make a difference.

I have been reading about some amazing people that are making major impacts on the world. People like Dr. Jeffery Sachs who is attempting to end extreme poverty (within 20 years no less) through his Millennium Villages, Wangari Maathai who is planting trees and protecting the environment in her native Kenya and Oprah with her school in South Africa soon to be replicated throughout the continent.

There is much that I hope to accomplish in the coming year and beyond. It is an aggressive plan I admit and it would be easy to think that it is beyond me. To let myself assume it would require someone smarter and with more resources and/or experience. However, I am not going to give into that kind of thinking. I know I can manage it; I can achieve these goals and see them soar.

Whenever I feel small I think about the amazing women that have blazed trails and moved mountains ahead of me. Women that came from small places, leading normal lives some overcoming under-privileged circumstances and/or adversity. Women whose lives rose to great heights to the benefit of us all. Women that create magic!

If you are interested you can read about a few of my inspirations:

Eleanor Roosevelt, I could go on for days listing many things she did! She was a humanitarian, diplomat, social reformer, and author. She worked on behalf of youth, blacks, the poor, women, and the United Nations. She was an active member of the women's suffrage movement. She persuaded FDR to create the National Youth Administration (NYA), which provided financial aid to students and job training to young men and women. Her concern for disadvantaged black Americans, prompted her to work closely with organizations such as the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP).

She became a delegate to the United Nations General Assembly, specializing in humanitarian, social, and cultural issues. In 1948, she drafted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which affirmed life, liberty, and equality internationally for all people regardless of race, creed or color. It states that everyone has equal protection under the law and freedom of thought, conscience, speech, religion, and peaceful assembly. That all people can choose their employment; have the right to decent working conditions, protection against unemployment, and to form unions. All people have the right to participate in the governing of their nations.

Wangari Maathai won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2004 for her work protecting the environment, planting trees and providing jobs. She began her campaign in 1977 with a resistant government. She said, “Protecting the global environment is directly related to securing peace”. She now works from within the government by winning a seat in Kenya’s Parliament.
.

Oprah, she is just pure magic! She highlights and discusses important issues and is extremely generous. The school she recently opened in South Africa for girls is an amazing act!

Madonna, for breaking down barriers, tackling social taboos, and making it ok for women to be sexual. Her recent work in Malawi is wondrous. Oh, and for providing dance music for the tribe in my kitchen!

New Year, new beginnings...

2007-01-05T14:50:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe it’s January, another new year and a new beginning. I spent the last bit of ’06 in a self-imposed seclusion. Taking a little time to think about the past year, about it’s challenges and it’s lessons (and there were many of both). I needed to pull into myself to gather my thoughts, my strength, nurse my wounds and focus my goals.

Now 2006 is over and as 2007 begins I think it is good to return to blogging with a few things I am grateful for and a few things I have been thinking about.

I am so grateful for my son as always. He is such an amazing individual, so unique and special. We were talking last night about the idea of adopting when we get to Uganda. I asked him how he would feel about adding to our family by inviting a child that had lost his/her parents to join our family. He asked me, “do we get to keep them forever?” I replied, “Yes, forever. They would be in our family just like you are.” He smiled and immediately said, “Oh! I have a great idea! Let’s got one from every continent!” I smiled and said, “Well maybe a little boy from Uganda and a little sister from China”. I love that he is so on-board with the idea of adopting. There is no possessiveness of his family or jealousy about it at all. I am so thankful to have him as my son. It is exciting to watch him develop as a person and to think about what he might do with his life. I wonder what he will accomplish with his combination of high intelligence, huge heart and exposure to the world. The possibilities are endless!

I am grateful to have found an organization to help us navigate the world of “highly capable youngsters and young scholars”. It is almost impossible to find books devoted to the topic. We have blessed to have found an organization that provides community, resources, financial assistance and experts in the field. I am looking forward to deepening our relationship with them throughout the year.

I am suddenly unable to escape the awareness that in a few short months our lives will be changing dramatically. We will be leaving for Africa late this summer. There remain so many decisions to be made, tasks to be done and plans to set in motion. I can hardly believe that seven years of planning is finally behind us and here we are, about to embark on something so monumental. It is so surreal and exciting.

I am a resolution maker and this year I have felt an even stronger pull towards change, towards evolving for the better. It feels like the perfect time to do a little mental house cleaning and cut out even more of the bullshit and the distractions. It is time to really focus on what is real, what matters, what is possible!!!

I think this year may turn out to be among the most important in my life. This is going to be a year full of huge transitions, an unfolding of plans and a deepening of purpose and direction. Embarking on a journey that will lead me to realize another portion of my life’s purpose. I think 2007 is going to be brilliant! I hope it is for everyone else too.

Create

2006-11-13T18:03:00.001-08:00

My sister gave me this bracelet last night for my birthday and it perfectly declares where my mind is right now.

CREATE!

It is wonderful to have this beautiful affirmation and encouragement around my wrist. I wear it on my right wrist. The one I use to create...fabulous!

I am never going to take it off; I will keep it on to remind me what I do. I am an artist. I create!!

Obviously I never forget what I do, it is just not always easy to do it. Sometimes my creative juices run dry, sometimes I am too tired to work and sometimes, like now, life just gets in the way.

In addition there are times I wonder what it means to be an artist and I get stuck in my mind trying to answer this question. Can I call myself an artist because I have a degree in painting and drawing (by the way, if you want to know what art school is like see Art School Confidential. It is shockingly accurate; it was eerie how spot on it was!!)? Can I claim the title because I have no other job? Do I need to make a certain amount of money? How do I combine art and commerce and should I?? I have had years of incredible good fortune and years (yes years) where I felt like I was just crap at everything.

I think I have arrived at a place where creating, art, is just what I do. It hurts too badly not to. I have things to say that haunt me if I leave them unsaid. Un-created. I am learning that what is important is not where the painting hangs and/or who buys it but the process of making it. The act of creating. I am beginning to realize that if I am true to my vision all the other factors will fall into place. I will earn enough, someone will understand what I am saying, and someone will want my paintings.

The Universe has been very generous with me lately in terms of inspiration. It has filled my head with paintings; they have flown in on raven’s wings. I have one painting all built, stretched, primed, sketched and ready to go. The only problem is that I am leaving in a day ½ for a week, so I won’t be able to paint until after Thanksgiving. It is so unfortunate when inspiration is flowing and life is getting in the way. It is a dilemma that everyone working in a creative field faces from time to time. I realize that is just how it goes but I am finding it increasingly frustrating.
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So, I can not start the paintings yet but I think I will try to have at least three paintings built, sketched and ready to paint when I get home. That way they can continue to grow in my mind while I am away. When I get home I will be more than ready to jump in and paint!

I feel a period of hibernating with my creations coming on for me and I have to say it is welcome. I am opening my door to inspiration and trusting it to lead me on an interesting journey

Echoes

2006-11-10T10:56:00.000-08:00

My house is full of echoes. As I pour out the remaining splashes of wine from the glasses, gather up the cups of tea and water and begin to wash away the traces of our weekend, I feel myself tear up with the emotion of missing the seven amazing women that were gathered around me here. Then I begin to hear the echoes, your voices telling stories and filled with laughter. Just as you have each taken a piece of me with you, so have you left a part of yourselves here with me.

We spent 72 hours together in the hall of mirrors, 7 individuals reflecting ourselves back to each other in the candlelight.

Liz, thank you for your beautiful chanting it lifted us up and set the stage for our journey. You were very generous with your talents and gentle with your guidance.

Thea, your smiles were so plentiful, warm and a beautiful invitation to curl up in your arms. I felt like I had known you forever and was safe breaking open against your strength. You were an amazing catalyst for us all. You encouraged us to spill, reminding us we are safe, and letting us each know that you loved us. You are amazing.

Michelle, watching you open up and share your true self was a thing of beauty. You have such depths and strength behind that quiet exterior. It was a priceless gift that you gave by sharing “her” with us. Magic! I wish we had more time together and I am all ready trying to think of a way to spend more time with you. You are inspirational my dear, never doubt your power.

Den, my darling friend, it was amazing to be able to spend so much time with you again. There were times as I looked at you I would think of that little girl I met so long ago. It was a joy to see how much she has grown, how much you have come into yourself and bloomed into fullness. I am in awe of your heart dear one. You are filled with such love and empathy. I know you are part angel. I am so lucky to have you walking beside me on this journey. I will love you my whole life.

Susannah meeting you is like finding a missing piece of myself. You have helped me to feel more whole again my dear and I am forever in your debt. You are so elegant and talented, and at first I was a little intimidated by your many gifts until I saw your tender heart, your loving hugs, your comforting words and your own pain. I am excited to be able to watch from such a close proximity as you take your place on stage! Great things lie in wait my dear, soon, I feel them making their way to the surface.

Meg, you are like my favorite teddy bear. I just want to cuddle you, look at your sweet face and know that somehow everything is just a little better because you are here. I am so grateful for all the ways you share your heart, the little touches when I needed them, the big hugs, the laughter and the words I needed. I love you madly!

The walls of my home seem to vibrate with the energy that was shared here; it has seeped into them as it has into me. Our time together has left its mark and had its alchemical effects. I love you all and miss you with my whole heart.

Uganda Phase 1, part 4

2006-10-16T11:59:00.001-07:00

For the past month or more, I have been feeling overwhelmed and very fearful about our upcoming move. It has seemed like an enormous obstacle, a huge mountain of tasks and emotions to master. Like Sisyphus, I have been unable to muster the strength.

Things are changing.

I am beginning to feel a shift, an awakening and an acknowledgement of a destiny that I have always known in my heart was awaiting me. If I am honest then I have to own that this is the life I have created. The one I asked for when I was little. The one I have always known I would live. This is an important paradigm shift for me. It is a move away from victim thinking; from passively accepting this change as my husband's vision to owning that it is mine as well.

When I was a child my father used to talk with me about other cultures and the value of travel. He would share the experiences of his travels and ignited within me my own passion to have similar experiences. We would explore museums looking at artifacts and discussing the places from which they came. I always knew I wanted to visit those places. To see far off lands with my own eyes, smell the air and taste their flavors. I am recognizing that when I began to see myself in all those places as a child, I was laying the groundwork for the path I am walking now.

That does not make it an easy road but I know it is right. I know there is a part for me to play in this drama and I am up to the task.

When I think about my plans, I actually feel my body swell with energy and excitement. I feel like I can accomplish my vision and that it will bring both others and me abundance and joy.

I am ready to meet the challenges ahead because I know the Universe (and some pretty amazing friends) is behind me, supporting me and will provide all that I need.

I have to share how wonderful I think my husband is! He just found out that the CDC liked his project so much that they are contributing to his funding and assigning staff to him!! I am so proud of him and really am in awe of his commitment and intellect. Yeah baby, you are amazing!

I borrowed the pic from hope4kidsinternational.org

Riot

2006-10-09T19:43:00.001-07:00

They slept until the black raven,
the blithe hearted
proclaimed the joy of heaven
- Beowulf

This is the painting I have been working on and it is called Riot.

Ravens have flown into my mind recently and taken up residence. I keep seeing their iridescent black forms soaring into my paintings and imagination. They are landing in my life as well. There are three that have moved into my back yard to feast on the worms in our new flower beads.

Ravens have a unique ability to capture our imaginations as is evidenced by their appearance in so many folk tales, mythology and stories. In the hopes of understanding their presence in my life I decided to do a little research into their lives, symbology and folklore. Here is some of what I learned:

About their lives
Ravens enjoy playful flight patterns, such as soaring, tumbling and rolling. Their longer wings make them quite agile aerial acrobats. I thought this was interesting as I generally think of them as serious and even ominous. I was glad to learn that they are playful and intelligent. They are “tool makers” (bending wire into the shape of a hook to assist in retrieving food) proving an advanced intelligence. A wild raven can live more than thirty years, I was shocked that they can live that long!

About their folklore
In Native American tradition, Raven is the guardian of both ceremonial magic and healing circles. I thought this was serendipitous as I will be involved in healing circles next month. I hope the Raven spirit sticks around for them. ☺

According to the book Medicine Cards (which accompanies a beautiful tarot-like deck of animal cards), Raven's medicine is magic. She is the great mystery of the Void, the place where all that which is not yet formed resides. The book says that you will fear Raven only if you need learn about your inner fears or self-created demons, uh-hemm. It also says that if Raven appears to you, you are about to experience a change in consciousness. That magic is in the air and I am not to try to understand it, the power of the unknown is at work and something special is about to happen. It is up to me to recognize it when it comes and make the most of the opportunity.

In many cultures Raven represents deep magic, the mystery of the unknown, death and transformation, creation, healing, wisdom, protection, and prophecy.

I am ready to spend a little time with Raven’s spirit. I welcome her into my mind and will enjoy her company for as long as she decides to fly with me.

I love...

2006-10-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I struggled my way through a post on gratitude. My mind was in the right place; my heart just wasn’t quite there yet. I was talking with the lovely Liz about my dichotomy the other day and she suggested I write about the things I am loving right now. Sometimes it is a good idea to focus on all the things, great and small that make us feel lighter; that put a smile on our faces. It just might be my ticket back to a place of lightness, of gratitude. So, with her sweet permission, I am barrowing her format for sharing my current faves.

Singing
I am currently listening to a few mixed CDs from a friend from art school, Andrew Bird, Ryan Adams, and my son playing “Why are There so Many Songs About Rainbows” on his piano.

Watching
I am having a deep and lasting love affair with the animated work of Hayao Miyazaki. I most specially adore Spirited Away, Howl’s Moving Castle, and Princess Mononoke. His imagination is boundless and storytelling thoughtful and many layered. I am always discovering something new in the movies each time I see them. He is endlessly inspiring.

Reading
I am always reading several books at once. The current list is:
Broken for you by Stephanie Kallos
The State of Africa by Martin Meredith (this one should come with a warning label!)
Art and Fear (a must for all creative types! Should be read at least once a year)

Creating
I am finishing up a painting of a girl with a bunch of ravens landing on her head and flying around her.
I am hoping to start a painting, a happy one, soon!
I am starting two skirts and a dress for fall.

Enjoying
The weather!! It is cloudy, grey, sprinkling rain and there is a cool light wind that is carrying the smell of the ocean to me. I know many do not like this weather, preferring the sun, but I find it so soothing. It is like a big cozy sweater that you just want to snuggle down into. I love to dress is cozy clothes, light candles, make some tea and paint (or if time permits just read) on days like today.

I am going to savor every bit of this Fall and Winter as it will be my last for several years. It is pretty much sunny and 80 all year round in Uganda.

Drinking
Water. I cannot seem to hydrate today! I am thirsty no matter how much I drink.

This week I have been drinking way too much coffee, tea and wine! Could explain the dehydration ☺

Anticipating
Spending next week locked in my studio. The list of household chores will just have to wait!

Spending my birthday weekend (11/4) with some amazing girlfriends!

Thinking
That it is time to stop thinking so much! I have been trapped in my head for too long and I need a break.

Loving
I ‘m loving a lot of things right now, here is a random sampling:
The smell of my son’s hair, buying fall flowers and plants and decorating my house for the season, book tapes (thank GAWD for books on tape!), the sound of my son’s fish tank (it sounds like a little waterfall), the necklaces my husband’s Tutu let me pick out (she is giving me some amazing antique necklaces a pre-Columbian 500+ year old one a’ la Frieda Kahlo, a turquoise one with a carved tiger from Tibet etc…amazing things!)

Living

2006-10-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

When the to-do list gets long, the mail stacks up, the stress is too much and challenges too many, it is easy to get stuck in your head. I have been mentally chasing my tail ‘round and ‘round trying to answer questions without all the information, an impossible task. I realized today that I have been so busy THINKING about what is going on in my life that I have forgotten to LIVE

It is time to stop stressing, worrying and THINKING!!!

I need to get back to what makes me feel alive. I need to let go of solutions and trust that I will find the answers. I need to plant the rest of my new plants and watch my garden grow. I need to get back into my studio and finish the paintings I started a few weeks ago and have been shamelessly neglecting. I need to spend a day walking around downtown taking in the cool autumn air, smell of the ocean, new fall clothes and do some serious people watching. I need to sneak away for a matinee showing of The Science of Sleep. I need to sit down with beautiful paper and handwrite letters to friends. I need to spend an afternoon curled up with one of the four books I am currently reading and a cup of piping hot tea. I need to reconnect with me. I miss me!

In short, it is time to wake up. To re-engage with life. To start living!

Self portrait Tuesday- Imperfections

2006-10-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

This months SPC is imperfections. This should be an easy topic for me, as I can’t seem to stop thinking about my imperfections lately. When you’re faced with major life changes and challenges, you can’t help but take a good long look at your life, at yourself. I have been chronicling all my inadequacies and reasons why I don’t feel up to the many challenges ahead. I can’t help but wonder if who I am resembles who I want to be.

I seem to be running with fear and anger these days. I guess they are really two sides of the same coin.

It’s time…

2006-09-29T11:27:00.000-07:00

I heard a quote once, "it's never too late in fiction or in life, to revise". I dunno who said it but I love it and I think it is time for me to do a little revising. I have been away from posting, away from calling friends and family and just stuck in a mental trap for the last month. I have caught a bad case of the deadly combo of fear and negativity. I have not really written much as I didn’t want to infect anyone with my bleak outlook.

It’s time to shift my perspective. It’s time to focus on what is working and what I am grateful for. Time for a gratitude list. So, with no idea what to say at the start of this list, I am hoping that by the end of it I feel lighter. More grateful, more humble before the Universe for all its gifts.

As always I am grateful for my son. He is such a joy to me and a total gift. Everyday he does or says something extraordinary. I look forward to watching him evolve over the years. My little man!

I am grateful for the best friends a girl can have!! I have the most amazing group of women in my life and some of you I haven’t even seen yet!! I have always loved the camaraderie of women, supporting each other and laughing together. I am so grateful that I have girl friends in my life. Now you all had better come see me in Africa!!

My life is full of adventure, lessons and change. I really honor that my life is moving in a direction that is stripping away all the unnecessary aspects of this crazy world. We are shedding most of our possessions, luxuries and striking out with what really matters. My husband came home the other day and said, “I was thinking we could sell our house, furniture etc then we will free ourselves from worrying about a lot while we are gone. All that matters is that we are together and that we have wonderful experiences” Gulp.

I am grateful for the health of my family and friends.

That I have the opportunity to go to the gym everyday to keep healthy and sane ☺

Ok, that is it for now. Not as long as I would have liked it to be but hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Poetry Thursday

2006-09-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

Give up, and you will succeed.
Bow, and you will stand tall.
Be empty, and you will be filled.
Let go of the old, and let in the new.
Have little, and there is room to receive more.
The wise stand out,
because they see themselves as part of the Whole.
They shine,
because they don't want to impress.
They achieve great things,
because they don't look for recognition.
Their wisdom is contained in what they are,
not their opinions.
They refuse to argue,
so on one argues with them.
The Ancients said: "Give up and you will succeed."
Is this empty nonsense?
Try it.
If you are sincere, you will find fulfillment.
Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching, chapter 22
(Piatkus, 1995)

I am trying to be sincere in my quest to "give up" and trust I will be show how to succeed. To continue to be sincere in my willingness to be open and part of the Whole.

One of the things that drew me to my husband was the fact that I knew I would never loose myself. I knew he was just as interested in supporting me as a strong individual as I was in being one. Having lost the "me" to the "we" in the past, I was anxious never to fall into that trap again. My husband encourages me to continue to grow, learn, experience new things and see the world. He is a great catalyst for me. He is not easy.

At the moment he is bringing more opportunity for change, growth and reflection into my life. He returned from Africa on Tuesday full of ideas and plans. I am feeling a little lost in the flood of change at the moment.

I read this poem last evening and immediately recognized it as the lifeline I was looking for. Doing the right thing is not always easy. In fact, more often it is quite a challenge.

I am trying.

Uganda Phase 1, part 3

2006-09-18T22:06:00.000-07:00

I am come undone a bit here. I have known this adventure has been on deck for over four years. It should come as no surprise to me that is manifesting. However, I think you have to allow that the theory of a situation and the reality of one are two very different things. Reality can still catch you off guard even if you’re on your toes.

In theory I am excited, ready to go, a real trooper charging forward without a backward glance or concern. I have always viewed myself as very adventurous, embracing of change, seeker of life experience and opportunities for growth.

In reality, I am fearful. I try to keep the demons and questions at bay but they charge on persistent and relentless. In reality I am leaving behind a mother in poor health who is likely about to have another surgery before the wounds of the last have even healed and can not travel to visit. I am stepping out of the daily lives of many I love, trust and need.

I make a genuine and heartfelt attempt to really live my life to the fullest, to take risks and eek out experiences and lessons. That doesn’t mean that I am never afraid and I am beginning to realize that it is ok. Overcoming fear and giving it a turn on the floor is a part of my process. I cannot seem to take on a new challenge without paying homage to the gods of fear and doubt. I have to sacrifice a few nights of sleep and tears on their alter before I can move on.

Taylor has been writing me twice a day most days from Kampala. He is getting his project off the ground and things seem to be going well in that area. He went to visit the two schools that we are looking at for Dace, two clubs where expats hang out, and a few places to live. Unfortunately, the choices are turning out to be more complicated than we had hoped. They are a lot less straight forward and much more complicated. I find this ironic in light of the limited options we have to choose from. I knew this move would be complicated to pull off. I knew it would be a challenge, however I HOPED it would be easier after Taylor actually got there and did some exploring. He has been there for almost a month and is just as torn about the right way to proceed as he was when he left. It has me a bit unnerved and to be honest stressed.

It looks like tonight will be another night where sleep is sacrificed to fear and doubt. I am looking forward to an end to this period, to concurring fears and slaying demons.

Self portrait Tuesday- "With someone"

2006-09-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of me and my husband's Tutu. Tutu is grandmother in Hawaiian, where she lived for years overlooking Diamond Head beach. She is an amazing woman and over the last nine years I have grown to love her deeply. She has so many characteristics that I hope to bring more fully into my life. I thought I would share a few:

She is one of the most adventurous people I know. She has been everywhere and has made friends on her travels that she still keeps in touch with, meeting people in Argentina, Ethiopia, Morocco, Egypt, and Europe. She will tell us she went to some little crazy hotel in town to meet them and look t the beads, paper goods and/or fabrics that they brought from home.

She is really one of the least judgmental people I have ever known, it must be where my husband gets it.

She still has a child-like enthusiasm to her that is beautiful to see, she gets excited about so many things.

She notices the beauty around here and really drinks it in....always!

She is loving, kind and generous.

She is wonderfully creative and a brilliant story-teller.

I could continue for days to talk about this amazing and inspirational woman, I love her madly!

Self portrait Tuesday- "With someone"

2006-09-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

This is a photo taken of my husband Taylor and me in a cave in the lake district of England. We recently spent a wonderful night drinking wine tucked away in our hidden camping spot with friends. I wish we were back there tonight.

My husband left this morning for Africa for a month. I am missing his terribly all ready. I have not spent more than 7 days apart from him in over nine years. It is so strange to think that I will not even be able to even speak to him; I don’t even have an emergency contact phone number!! I will have to content myself with emailing him and hoping he will be able to email me too.

The distance makes me feel very panicky. I worry that something might happen to him as his drives around the country setting up medical clinics. What if something happened to him and I couldn’t get to him? It is a horribly powerless feeling. I know that it is not entirely rational. Ever since my dad passed away while I was out of the country I feel worried when I am far away from loved ones. I have nightmares when on vacation that terrible things are happening to friends and family at home. I do my best to intellectualize the emotions when they arise but no matter how much I understand them I still FEEL them.

Self portrait Tuesday- Enclosed spaces

2006-08-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

I have been enclosed in my thoughts these past few weeks. Feeling reclusive, introspective and quiet. I have been attempting to sort out a few things and make mental plans for the future. I have been hiding in my mind, letting few in to disrupt my silent reverie.

Sometimes, when I have a lot on my mind, I get quite reclusive. I don't feel like talking, writing, going out or interacting at all. This past two weeks has been that way for me.

My show

2006-08-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

I am home from my show.

It was a wonderful opening (despite the massive cold I developed the previous morning...hello stress), and a lot of people came.

It was a strange feeling not knowing many people. I guess that will become a more common experience as I show in different states and places where I have not lived. I was able to walk around and watch people look at my paintings and discussing them without their knowing I was the artist. It was fun to be so incognito!

I was in one of the artist’s studios in the back with a friend while she set up a time to have a cast of her nipple made in silver to turn into a pendant when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and say a sweet smiling face that I kept thinking looked familiar. It was one of my oldest and dearest friends that flew out to surprise and support me. It is funny how when you see someone so out of context, it takes a minute for your brain to figure it out. It was amazing to have her there!!! I was blown away by her show of love and friendship; she is such an amazing friend.

So, I huddled with her, my other dear friend from art school and a few of her friends and watched the show while I sucked on cough drops and drank wine (don't try it).

You can check out some pics at http://www.kayogallery.com There is a slide show of pictures from the opening night that should be up soon (it is currently still last month's show) and there are a few examples of my paintings.

I feel proud of the work. I am glad that it is done. I am ready to move on to new work and new things. I started a new painting last night and it felt great to be working again.

Off to my show!!

2006-08-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning...EARLY...I am off to my show!

It is finally here. It feels so wonderful to be done with the work and to like the way it turned out. I am so excited to see them all hung and lit in the gallery.

I am getting nervous about the opening tomorrow night. The chatting with gallery goers. I get very shy and self-conscious but it is part of the process.

Now I have to figure out what to do next!

Wish me luck...

Self portrait Tuesday- Enclosed spaces

2006-08-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

Me enclosed in an embrace.

One of my favorite places to be is locked in the tight embrace of my boy. He gives the best hugs and I always feel loved and completely accepted. Kids have a wonderful way of loving their parents just as they are, in fact they don't really like it when we change things about ourselves. He is the love of my life!!

My son was my date to our cousin's wedding on Friday night, this photo is from that night. He was a great date, swing dancing with me and giving me tons of hugs!

Sunday Scribblings- Who can I still be?

2006-08-13T16:45:00.000-07:00

Who can I still be, that is a great question and one I have been contemplating for weeks now.

I can be a person that is no longer afraid. I can face life’s adventures and challenges with an open mind and heart. I can use the unique opportunities that I am being given to create a glorious life. To help others and raise awareness on issues that need attention and connect with people most people never meet or even think about.

I will own that I deserve abundance and it is ok to accept it, there is no shame in it. It is right to love oneself and someday I will do this fully. I can allow myself to rest more, be still more and fully embrace the need for stillness.

I can accept that I don’t have to have all the answers right now, they will be shown to me in due time. I can trust the flow of life and just relax and enjoy the ride. I can cherish each moment.

2006-08-10T13:34:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite writers/poets is Oscar Wilde. I find his wit and insights nothing short of brilliant. When we were in Paris recently we visited his grave. To my amazement it was covered in kisses. I was deeply moved by it. While showing my photos to friends, I have had several commented on the pictures and thought it was odd and/or disturbing. I found it touching. I was moved that a man who in his time was treated so poorly for living an alternative lifestyle is still so beloved by so many. His insights and humor are still relevant today. So, here are a few quotes for you to enjoy!

Women are meant to be loved,
not understood.

Anyone can sympathize
with the sufferings of a friend;
it requires a very fine nature
to sympathize with a friend’s
success.

Consistency is the
last refuge of the
unimaginative.

No great artist ever sees
things as they really are
if he did, he would cease
to be an artist.

Society often
forgives the criminal,
but it never forgives
the dreamer.

We are all in the gutter,
but some of us are looking
at the stars.

Self portrait Tuesday- Enclosed spaces

2006-08-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

Today I am enclosed in my thoughts.

Thinking...

Pondering...

Creating...

Today I am quiet. Reflecting on all that is going on in life and all that is to come.

It’s time to take a closer look.

2006-08-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

It’s time to take a few minutes and focus on my life and all the wonderful things in it. I haven’t made time for a gratitude list in far too long. Inspired by the beautiful Boho, I watched The Secret last night. I reminded me how important gratitude, joy, and the quality of our thoughts are.

We manifest our lives daily, hourly, and from moment to moment!!

I have spent much of the last year in a self-imposed exile. Hiding in my studio with my paint and my pain. Peeling back layers of protection that I had spent years building up. Loosing my dad made me look at my life; what was working, what was not, what I really want and what I no longer will tolerate. I tied the process closely with the creation of the paintings for my show.

The paintings are complete, ready to be wrapped up and shipped out to the gallery. Hopefully, they will find new homes, new people to interact with and lead their own lives. I am releasing them. I am letting go.

It seems like the perfect time to release old thought patterns, to stop being mean to myself and doubting myself so much. To turn the life I am manifesting to joy, lightness, play, beauty, and service.

To that end, I am blowing off the dust from my happy thoughts. It is ok to feel good. It is ok to like myself, to trust my instincts and to move on. I think my dad would approve.

Today I am thankful for:

My family. I feel so fortunate in my choice of husband. He is really the most supportive and loving of partners and he is always there for me. He let’s me have my way most of the time, always a good thing ☺ and he is helping create the most exciting and challenging life! I know he causes me to grow and be stronger that I would be without him. My son is a miracle!! He is smart, loving, creative and just pure JOY! I really feel like I was given a blessed little star baby to watch over and guide. I cannot wait to see how he uses his amazing intelligence and tremendous opportunity and exposure in his life. I see good things coming from him!

My friends. Oh my I have some of the most amazing women as friends. I am always in awe of you and learning from you and so thankful to have you in my life!!! I think there is nothing greater that the power of women supporting each other, helping each other to reach our dreams, to process our emotions and navigate this gift called life. I would love to write about you all but it would be a novel, so as a group and you know who you are…I love and honor you!!

My career. I am so very blessed to be a professional artist. There is no other way I would rather spend my time. I am honored that I can create beauty and send it off to the world. That I have been able to move people through paintings. I plan on only doing better and better work, honest work, more shows, more drawings, amazing clothes. I am so full of ideas and inspiration it is a challenge to keep up with my brain!!

The opportunity to live in Africa. I am choosing to see this as a blessing I have been given. It will be wonderful to be a part of this community, to meet and connect with the people. My son will see that not everyone lives in the same way with the same opportunities, be more aware of his blessings, and be more of a global citizen. I hope we can give back to Africa all that it will give us!!

Self portrait Tuesday- Enclosed spaces

2006-08-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

This months’ challenge is about enclosed spaces. This is a portrait reflecting the dichotomy of being grounded in the place where you are at this moment, yet an awareness of the next step is beginning to emerge. About being rooted and peaceful in the place you are, the space in which your heart is dwelling and beginning to feel the pull of a new place. A new direction.

The new destination is still a haze, a foggy dream reality but it is drawing nearer.

Uganda Phase 1, part 2

2006-07-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

I am continuing to try to process this change. Each day, I come a little closer to acceptance and an unexpected emotion I am beginning to recognize as, excitement?

This week my focus has had to be primarily on getting the finishing touches on my show complete. However, I have made a promise to myself to do a little each week to prepare and investigate what lies ahead.

I am beginning to be able to see myself in Uganda and I hope that my plans manifest into reality the way I see them. I am hoping divide my time between two things; first volunteering at a clinic that works with women and children with HIV and Aids. Second to start a clothing line.

I have been designing and sewing clothes for my website for the last year. I have always loved clothes and see it as another extension of my artwork. I have intentionally kept it very small, a secondary activity to painting. However, I think it is time for a change.

Once in Uganda I think it might be a great way to help people, provide me with a creative outlet and community and help support the local economy. I am going to hire a few women to make clothes with me. One of Uganda’s main exports is textiles. I am hoping to use some of their traditional fabrics in new and modern designs as well as design my own fabrics. I am really excited about this idea!!

I am planning to pay fair trade in the hopes that it will provide women with a good income of their own and hopefully allow for independence and a better life. In addition, I hope to donate a large amount of the profits to help built shelters for the children in the north. I wrote about them here, http://lethasandison.blogspot.com/2006/05/sunday-scribblings-three-wishes.html

So, this week I begun looking into grants for businesses that support and boost African economy, found an international lawyer to assist me in setting up the legalities, and have been nagging my husband to bring me in March so I can really understand wwhhat needs to happen. It is beginning to feel like a reality!! Do any of you have any ideas and/or advice???
Wish me luck!!!

Self portrait Tuesday

2006-07-25T13:03:00.000-07:00

This is a self portrait of hope. Hope that this show goes well, that the journey of painting these is closing wounds and opening doors. I am hopeful that by releasing these paintings to the world I am releasing the pain. It is about endings and moving on to new beginnings.

I put the timer on my camera and let it take snaps while I worked. This is a day in my life. Wake up, throw my hair back, wash my face, grab tea and water and head out to the studio. No getting dressed up, no one to interact. Just me.

Sunday Scribblings- Theif

2006-07-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

It was a great black shapeless thing. If the moon was full and the light hit it just right, you could see through it and what you saw inside, well there are no words for. Most people that looked upon it did not recognize it as a being. They thought it was a trick of the night, if they thought anything about it at all. You see most of the people who saw it were sleeping and when they weren’t sleeping they were preoccupied. They were people with dreams; dreams for the future, dreams for their families and dreams of pure fancy.

Now, it is important to understand there are two types of dreamers and they are really quite the opposite of one another. There are those that spin their realities from their dreams, beautifully and smoothly as a silk worm weaves her thread. They understand that life is a great fabric woven of our dreams coming into reality. All you need to do is believe in this truth and walk confidently along the path you chose. The path you dream.

Understand that we spin our lives as we move along and you can create beauty as easily as you can create fear.

There are many more of the other types of dreamers; they are people with big dreams who also have big fears. Fear that their dreams will not come true, fear that they are not good enough to achieve them or unworthy to receive them. It was upon these people that it fed.

It could sense these people easily, that is after all what is was created to do. He knew what he was doing when He made it. Quietly it would steal into the room of the sleeping dreamer, whispering its poison into their ears as they slept.

It would whisper all the black words that were created by Him to feed fear and blow them like smoke into the ear of the sleeper. The words would take root in the heart and mind of the dreamer and spread taking over the space inside. The problem is that dreams can’t live in a place that is full of black smoke. They need clear blue skies and light in which to grow. So, when the smoky black words would slip in one ear, sure enough few seconds later the sweet smelling silvery dreams would flee out the other ear. The black creature would be waiting to suck them into its great big hole of a mouth. At least it is mouth-like in that it feeds on dreams and is in the top of its head. No one really knows if it has a true mouth.

Now because there are so many more fearful dreamers, the monster got bigger and bigger as he filled up with his stolen treasures. He became so large one night (he had been greedily stealing more dreams than usual) that he didn’t blend in with the shadows of the night quiet as easily. Being greedy, he stole into one more room and crept over to the sleeper. It was a little boy, who as it turns out, was not asleep at all.

The boy rolled over and looked at the creature. He sat up and stared at it with his clear blue eyes. He was not afraid. He saw into the creature and was not scared by what he saw inside it with the dreams of others. The creature found this impossible to bear. He felt sick to his stomach under the boys gaze. The dreams, sensing the creatures hold on them weakening, began to push and fly about wildly inside.

The creature slid backward a bit as the boy sat watching it. The great mouth opened and out flew the silvery dreams. The boy watched as they flew out, silver smoke at first and as they moved away from the creature they began to take shapes. All different kinds of things were being set free. Some were animals like horses, dolphins and dogs. There were boats, cars, clothes, food, and finally he saw the shapes of people. The creature had tried it’s hardest to hold onto them. There were babies, children and grown-ups in police uniforms and doctor’s coats. The boy went to the window and watched the silvery shapes fly through the sky and dancing in the moonlight. At last they sped off in all different directions.

The boy knew they were going back to the people who needed them. Just like he knew that they represented the hearts desires of their owners. Dreams of parenthood, having a loyal friend, learning to play, finding a career that would bring fulfillment. The boy understood what each shape had meant. He was a very wise and special little boy. He stood at the window until the last of the silvery shapes trails had disappeared into the night and he turned.

He looked to the wall where the creature still hovered. It was small, shrunken and looked empty, except for the wickedness inside. The boy smiled walked over to it and smiled right at the creature. The creature had never been smiled at before; it found it could not move. The boy reached out his hand and laid it on the creature, and then he moved back a little.

They creature began to shrink, smaller and smaller until finally he disappeared with a tiny pop.

They boy walked back to his bed and this time he really did go to sleep.

Phase I part I

2006-07-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the only thing to do is stop running, turn, and bravely take the bull by the horns. For me, planning and ACTION help me to feel, heck I’ll just admit it, in control. I am aiming to be as prepared as possible for this new journey. So, I went and bought some books on Uganda (hard to find), Eastern Africa and some maps of Uganda.

Knowledge is power!!

Our life in Uganda is beginning to take shape in my minds eye. I am grateful for that.

I am beginning to research grants for businesses in Africa. I am hopeful I can create something that will give me a sense of purpose, a creative outlet, and allow me to help the community. I will share more as it unfolds.

I am going to try to convince my husband that I should go with him for the month of March. He will go alone in September and I would like to return with him on his next trip. I think it would help me to understand what I am undertaking and allow me to more accurately plan. I can see what resources are available to me in Kampala and what I will need to try to bring with me. He is worried about spending the $2000 for an extra ticket when, “I will be there in a few more months anyway”. I see it a little differently, I see it as an opportunity to be prepared and hit the ground running rather than having to take some time researching when I get there. I will continue to work on him.

I think it will help to chronicle our journey here. So, this is Phase 1, the planning and preparation phase. Over the next year, I will share the process as I try to mentally, emotionally, and physically plan to move my family, career and life to Uganda.

The Image is barrowed from www.Uganda.de and is of Lake Mutanda bei Kisoro

Poetry Thursday

2006-07-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

This week has been spent in the company of the painful emotions involved in parting, closures and endings. I know there are several of you working with and surmounting the same types of feelings. I ame across this poem today and it just felt like a reflection of the week so I am sharing it here.

I am sending blessings out to all of you dealing with loss of any kind, separations from those we love, and all the pain that comes with those life experience. We are not alone.

"My life closed twice before its closure"
Emily Dickinson

My life closed twice before its close-
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me

So huge, so hopeless to conceive
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell.

*Note: I forgot to check the Poetry Thursday prompt before I posted this. Oops!! As I said to Lynn, what a downer I am compared to all this life-affirming sexual poetry!! Ce la vie.

Self portrait Tuesday

2006-07-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

Another self portrait in painting as emotion. This is another painting for my show, it is ALMOST done!!! I have spent all week, 8-11 hours a day working on it.

This show has taken a ton of time and energy for me to produce fewer pieces than I would usually do in the same ammount of time. I think it is because of the heavy emotional content of the works and their meanings, it is hard to be to productive when you are in the thick of the process. The show is a reflection of a journey of self discovery, analysis and putting myself back together that I have been on since my dad died last year. It has been an intense place to spend so much time, a heavy place, sometimes a light place when memories arise but always a loving place.

I hope you enjoy the painting!

Some days you are just stuck in the muck!

2006-07-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days for me. I think there is just too much on my mind, too many things to do, too many changes on the horizon and truth be told, too many things out of my control.

A few days ago, my husband got the green light on his African project. We are definallty going and it looks like we will be leaving next July. Exactly one year away. One year seems to pass by like the blink of an eye. I have really wanted this to go through for him and his career, for the people we can help and for the experiences I know we will all have. Intellectually I realize that this is a huge adventure and will have many positive outcomes.

Intellectually, I get it. My heart however, is a slow learner.

I am having a love affair with my life here, life is good here and it will be difficult to leave. I love our home; it is such a sanctuary to me. I walk in and feel myself relax and soothed like the comfort of an old friend. I am having fun creating our garden and I am delighted to see it’s blooming. I water ever morning and look at the plants checking for new growth, weeding and planting new flowers. I have friends I love and have made several new ones recently that I adore. I have a running group and a gym I love…always helpful! My glorious studio where the space is all mine and safe and full of inspiration. My family is here; we are living in the same city with the majority of our family for the first time in 5 years. It will be so hard to leave them again. It has been wonderful for my son to be near his grandparents and great for his parents to have such support.

I am feeling…to be honest I don’t really even know how to articulate the conflicting emotions rolling over me. I know it is based in fear. I am not really afraid to live in Africa, although I know there are risks and dangers involved. I think what I really fear is how my life will change. How will my career survive? Will this be good for us all as a family?

I am not one of those women that can be content with following my husband around without something for myself. Something to help me feel worthy, productive, fulfilled.

Today, on this gray Northwest morning, I am feeling contemplative, fearful, and a little sad. The picture was taken on our trip to England, it is in the Lake district. The waterfall was beautiful, flowing, cleansing, healing, life giving. It felt like a good photo to use.

Happy Birthday

2006-07-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday baby, I love you!

Self portrait Tuesday

2006-07-11T14:23:00.000-07:00

This is a self portrait as a painting, the painting is of an emotion. It is about the dance we do with the emotion as we process it. You begin the journey in one place and are spun through different phases along the way. In this case, this is about grief, sadness and the way it moves you. I have posted this painting in progress and it is pretty much done now. I have to do a few finishing touches here and there but otherwise, it's done. I am getting ready for my show next month so I am trying to complete everything. Yikes!

home at last

2006-07-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

Carved faces on the bridge in Paris.

Amazing graffiti in Paris
I am tired today but it’s the good kind of tired. It is the tired that comes from full days of exploring and nights of indulgence. We are home from our trip to England and France. It was glorious spending days exploring the streets of Paris and finding those little places to make our own and nights of great food and wine. The last time we went to Paris we did all those touristy things you feel you must do the first time you go. This time we found OUR Paris. The little alleyways, shops and cafés that spoke to us, such an amazing city!!

The last time we went to Paris we were told by a friend to go to a restaurant called Willie’s Wine Bar. We went again this trip and I think it is a new tradition! If any of you are ever in Paris, you MUST go!! Amazing food, great wine and the staff is so knowledgeable about paring great wines with your food choices. They hire artists to create posters for them every year and they are great! I am always a fan of people who hire artists ☺ We spent three hours over lunch enjoying several courses and many wines and meeting fellow lunchers (I think I just made that word up).

The Tate Modern, my favorite museum in London. I hope to show here one day :)
While in London I was blessed to get to meet Susannah and Meg. We had an amazing day shopping, eating and drinking our way through Soho and affirming a connection that began here. It was so wonderful to look at their beautiful faces and feel like I had known them for years. It was one of the highlights of the trip for me and I can’t wit to see you two again! Susannah took this picture (my camera battery died right as I went to take a picture, nice!) and I know she posted it on her blog but I just had to re-post it.

After spending time in two of the most amazing cities in the world, we headed north to the picturesque English countryside, the England of storybooks and literature. We met some friends in Sheffield and headed out on a glorified pub-crawl that began in the Lake District, went through the Yorkshire Dales (they made me think of Wuthering Heights and the Hound of the Baskervilles with their moors and morning fog) and stretched to the east coast in Whidbey and Robin Hood’s bay. The boys were aiming to hit 15 pubs in 6 days; I think out final count was 17.

On our first day in the lakes we hiked through this amazing canyon complete with green mountains, river running through it and more sheep than you can count (there are sheep everywhere in the country…are they everywhere but Manchester and London?). We hiked up the side of a mountain to a cave that would be our logging for the night. It was amazing! Apparently the secret of the cave’s existence has been passed from one local outdoorsmen to another. Our friend looked for it for 12 years before finding it, so we felt very honored to be taken there. The views from the top were amazing and it was a beautiful place to camp for the night.

The following day we spent the night in this great pub, wonderful food, and beautiful location!!! We hiked in the mornings, explored villages and shopped in the afternoons, stopping in the many pubs along the way and have wonderful meals every night.

It just doesn’t get better than having good friends, wonderful surroundings, and great food and wine!! It was a wonderful way to spend three weeks!

Spinning wheels and frog funerals

2006-06-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend, no longer, the last few weeks have been nutty. I have been in a state of frenzied activity that I have not experienced in years!!

We returned from New York last week and I have only occasionally touched my laptop or telephone. I feel behind and out of touch with most of my friends, family and the bloggers I love! I am sorry and love everyone I have been shamelessly neglecting. Sometimes it is necessary to be rather ruthless with your time in order to meet deadlines.

I have been spending as much time as possible in my studio painting away. I head out there directly after I droop my son off at school and right after I put him to bed. I have a show coming in August and I am feeling less that ready. Although August is a way off yet, we are leaving tomorrow for three weeks. Which means I will only have about four weeks when I return to finish up. GULP! That is not a long time, at least not for me. The way I paint is very time consuming…perhaps it is time to consider a change of style ☺
This weekend was full of unexpected family duties. The most dramatic was the accidental death of my son’s frog. He and his grandfather collected frog eggs from a pond and have been caring for them through their life cycles. It has been a great learning experience for my son. Unfortunately, he also had his first lesson about loss and guilt. He was dusting his shelf and accidentally knocked a statue of a Chinese luck dragon into their tank, crushing a tadpole. He was just devastated! He knew it was his fault and that was really hard for him to deal with. Guilt and grief, tough for grown-ups to process, really tough for 5 year olds. He drew a picture of his departed friend so he “would never forget him” and wrote a little poem, “Golden dragons can be bad luck. Dead tadpole!”

We leave tomorrow morning, EARLY, for London and Paris! I am very excited to get back to Europe; I love it there so much. I am thrilled to be meeting two lovely bloggie sisters and connect with some other friends as well. It will be wonderful to meet up with friends, wander the streets, eat in cafes, people watch, see art, and visit my favorite bits of London. I hope it will be a great trip.

So, having too much work and too many trips is a VERY high quality problem to have I realize. I know I am lucky and I am so grateful!! I am sorry I have been a bad blogger, friend, sister and daughter. I will be better at keeping in touch when I return.

This picture is of ground zero from 9/11. Our hotel room in New York looked right out over the site. It was very surreal to see it from the perspective daily while we were there. I keep thinking about it so I thought I'd share the photos. Loss seems to be a reoccuring theme amoung so many of us this last year or more. Parents, grandparents, lovers, friends and dreams. I am sending all of you love and wishes for a peaceful heart.

Have a great few weeks!

Sunday Scribblings- Mysteries

2006-06-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

This Sunday Scribbling topic of “Mysteries” is apropos to my current mind set. I am pondering the mysteries in my life and about life these days with increasing frequency. Mysteries both great and small. I feel as though I have been circling myself in my head, chasing my imaginary tail so to speak.

Here are just a few that I have been pondering:

I would love to know with certainty what happens when we die. Where do we go and what type of awareness is there? I would like to know if the beliefs that I always thought I had and totally accepted are true. Is there peace? Do we receive answers? Can we meet those we love and admire there? I have seesawed with this one a lot this last year.

I want to understand my reason for being here. Am I on the right path? Am I contributing what I am supposed to? How can I really make a difference?

Will my career take off and will I be successful by my own definition? Will others respond to and appreciate my paintings and boutique?

Will we be moving to Africa? Can I handle all that that brings with it?

How can I better manage my time and my endless to-do list?

Where DO the missing socks go? I have been doing a lot of laundry this weekend getting ready for our trip and we have so many missing! How does this happen??

Will my show be well received?

It has been pretty exhausting being in my head this week. I have been alone in my studio, painting like crazy, not interacting with many people and pondering my own personal mysteries and life’s greater ones. I have not been having much success in finding resolutions. It is a great time for a vacation, to get out of my head and away from my chores. I hope so at any rate as we leave Tuesday!

Poetry Thursday

2006-06-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

This poem was written by a woman I went to art school with named Bobbie Saunders. She had a book of poems published while in school, not too shabby! I hope you enjoy this lesser know, or should I say emergine poetess!

Transcendence

She lived
for the
evenings
of ecstasy,
the cascade
of emotions
flowing
like a
sparkling
waterfall
amidst
the hidden
secrets
of the
forest,

the ferns
all-knowing,
the bark
of the
trees
solid
and caring,
the moss
a love
cushion
for souls
whose
whispers
could be
heard
in eternity

Self portrait Tuesday- Pop art

2006-06-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

As pop art is about reflecting our culture back to us in a different and often comical context, I feel like I should be playing with this in a more unusual way. Perhaps next week I will have more time to explore this new theme. For now, here is a more traditional pop art homage to how it was done.

At the moment if my portrait were to be reflective of me it would be of a modern woman with too much to do and not enough time to do it. :)

Sunday Scribblings- My earliest memory

2006-06-04T09:51:00.000-07:00

I have a terrible memory. When my husband and I were looking up baby names and their meanings we discovered that my name actually means “forgetful one or oblivion”. My husband looked at me and said, “that explains a lot.” My name has cursed me, not only with schoolyard chants of “lethal weapon” and “laser letha” but it also doomed me to a bad memory.

My earliest memories are flashes, colors, feelings and I have no idea what age they come from. It is embarrassing for me and endlessly frustrating to my mother. I used to wonder if there was wrong with me, and then I met someone just like me. My mother-in-law. When picking out a DVD to watch we will swear to our husbands we haven’t seen a movie and halfway through have to admit that we are beginning to remember it.

I have a few memories of childhood.
I remember a wonderful doll stroller that I got for Christmas one year my father made the wooden stroller and my mom the bedding.

I remember falling asleep in front of the glass door to the backyard cuddled up in the sun with my cat.

I remember hiking and fishing in the mountains with my grandfather and him teaching me to clean the fish I caught.

I remember my dad telling me my grandfather passed away.

I remember moving and changing schools in 5th grade and being terrified of the new girls. I came from the next town over but it could have been from another planet for how different everything seemed. I didn’t know the complex social rules.

I wish there were more, longer and clearer memories but I will hold these and many other flashes close to my heart.

Poetry Thursday

2006-05-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

I did this painting two years ago of the beautiful boho and me. It was called mountains. I found this poem yesterday and it made me think of this painting. Of this beautiful friendship. Of the power and beauty of women. The beauty, mystery and strength of female connections. I think women together can change the world!! This poem if for all the amazing women out there, changing and gracing the world in so many ways. Sharing their unique and special gifts with the world and shining their light on us all. To all the lovelies near and far, some I have met, some I have yet to meet who have made my life more beautiful for their contributions.

Of Mountains and Women

The hearts of women
And the hearts of mountains
Are both the same. They beat to
An old rhythm, an old song.

Mountains and women
Are made from the sinew of the rock.
Mountains and women
Are home to the spirits of the earth
Mountains and women
Are created with beauty all around
Mountains and women
Embrace thee mystery of life

Mountains give patience to women.
Women give fullness to mountains
Celebrate each mountain, each women
Sing songs to mountains and to women
Dance for them in your dreams

The spirit of mountains and of women
Will give courage to our children
Long after we are gone.

Poem by Nancy Wood

Raw

2006-05-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

I know I have posted a picture of this work in progress before but it felt right for today's post.
Sometimes I feel ill equipped to be living in this world. Like a turtle with out its’ shell, exposed and vulnerable. I am bare to the elements, the sun burns my skin, and the wind chills me to the bone.

I think I have been spending too much time in the studio alone. I have been so busy creating: painting for my upcoming show, trying new techniques for illustrations, sewing clothes for my website, making jewelry…I have been in another place. Living in my own little bubble, always a little scary. Sometimes when I spend an unusually large amount of time creating, painting in particular, I find it more difficult to resurface. To join the world and function as a human must in the world. My head feels like it is floating up in another space and my body is left to fumble around, not quite right.

My sensitivity is also heightened during these times leading to the vulnerable turtle feeling.

I am in a place where everything hurts and feels huge. Where I am feeling bruised by others and like I am doing unintentional bruising myself. Perhaps it’s the rainy weather or hormones or the fact that I am stressed about my to do list. Or perhaps I am not handling the real sad things that have been happening with an increased frequency lately as well as I thought. Maybe I am getting messages that I have not been facing some real emotions, grief, loss, abandonment. Or maybe I am afraid to send my creations out into the world to be judged and possibly rejected. I have been loving and nurturing them and I am not sure they could handle it.

Everything feels hard today from driving to painting. I am failing at all my tasks.

I wonder if everyone has moments where they feel the same?? Do you question your abilities and your strength?

I am going to try to sooth my spirit today. I am going to go for a long run in the rain, get my toes done, play a game with my son and head back out to the studio to paint, and hide and spill it all out onto canvas.

My website has a bunch of new goodies in the boutique. I will share it with you first; I don’t think I send it out further yet. Here are a few pictures of what you will see…

Self portrait Tuesday- Introduce yourself #4

2006-05-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

My hands are my favorite body part. Not because I find them beautiful, on the contrary, they have hangnails, chipped nails and rough skin that I think looks older than my years. I love them because they serve me so well. I use them to paint, write, create, cook, caressÂI could not imagine life without the use of my hands.

I was THE biggest dork in elementary school. Seriously. I was at the bottom of the social ladder.

I do not like sharing my computer. My husbands PC died a terrible death of a virus a few months ago and since he has been sharing my laptop. I feel awful and selfish about it but it drives me crazy! It is like sharing my journal. My computer has so many precious bits on it, pictures, painting ideas, short stories, songs, it is how I spend a lot of time. Recently, it has been hard for me to get to as my hubby is using it for his work. It is making me insane!

I love the smell of sharpies and paint.

I love to walk in the rain, I throw on a hat on my head, get a warm drink, and head out into the city. I love the cool feel on my skin, the fresh smell of the rain and to watch as it washes everything clean. I like to be anonymous, the pretend that no one can see me as I move through the streets.

I was a serial monogamist. I never really had the experience of dating a few people casually at the same time. I almost always had a boyfriend, or just one guy I was dating. I tried it once with disastrous results. My roommate at the time left me a well-intentioned post it stuck to the bathroom mirror about my date for the following night with boy number 2. I was coming home from a date with boy number 1 and invited him in. He used the bathroom first and that was it. It scared the wrong boy off and didn't go my way at all!

I still feel like a big dork. Sometimes when we are out for an evening upon coming home I think over the nights connversations. I wonder if I sounded like an idiot, if people thought I was stupid, if they liked me etc...those critical little voices born of childhood slights and insecurities kicks in. I hide my head inder the pillow squeeze me eyes shut and try not to listen.

I took off for a cross-country road trip with friends when I was 18. I knew my mom didn't want me to go, she gets nervous about things like that. My dad however channeled Jack Kerouac and told me to go out and have experiences. He shared some of his own adventure stories with me; it was a great conversation. So, when my mom when to work I packed my bag and took off. I think my mom is still mad about it. I wouldn't trade the memories of that trip for anything!

It's in the air

2006-05-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

I think there is something in the air today. A tenderness that floats about like mist and we are all breathing it in. It has been gripping at my heart all day today. I have noticed others feeling the same. Raw emotions that are making their presence felt and will not be denied. This picture is another unfinished piece for my upcoming show. It is about sorrow and the process of moving through that emotion. It felt like a good image to share today, a visual explanation of swirling feeling.

It is strange how an emotion can take hold of you and move you through so many different places. It is like a dance in which you are spun and most certainly led from one place to another. One thing is for sure; you do not end up where you started.

I spent an hour or so looking through poetry books this evening. I was looking for some words to comfort a friend that were stated more eloquently and beautifully than I could ever manage. Nothings felt quite and so I was left with only my own voice. I hope it provided some comfort. In my search I came across this and thought I’d share it here…

My help is in the mountain
where I take myself to heal
the earthly wounds
that people give to me.

I find a rock with sun on it,
and a stream where the water runs gentle,
and the trees which one by one
give me company.

So must I stay for a long time,
until I have grown from the rock,
and the stream is running through me,
and I cannot tell myself from one tall tree.

Then I know that nothing touches me,
Nor makes me run away.
My help is in the mountain
that I take away with me.
By Nancy Wood

Here are a few pictures of my desk in my studio for the beuty with ink on her fingers :)

Sunday Scribblings- Three Wishes

2006-05-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

She used to wish that her plastic horses would come to life during the night while she slept. Praying that upon waking she would find them moving of their own accord, ready to befriend her. It was her heart's secret wish when she was a little girl. Every night, after being tucked into her warm bed, she would survey the rows of model horses prancing along the shelves that lined the room. They were so life like, she almost believed her wish would come true. In fact, when she was younger, she did believe. Though by the tender age of seven, she had learned that wishes like that don't really come true.

In her teens her wishes has been focused on things like popularity, beauty, the right clothes and the right boys. Teenage wishes for teenage challenges. They revolved around fitting in and gaining the acceptance of her superior peers. These wishes too had been fervently sent up. She thought back to how serious it all seemed at the time. She was wishing to be comfortable in her own skin; a feat, she thought wryly, she never quite achieved. In spite of this fact, she has moved on. She has left even that wish behind in lieu of more pressing matters.

Staring up at the ceiling she smiled at the memories. Simpler times, simpler wishes. Didn't the fairy tales all promise us three wishes? She wouldn't need three she thought, only one. Sure she could certainly come up with three. She would wish, as she thought most would, for an end to the seemingly senseless and endless wars plaguing the world, an end to the suffering of so many in the forgotten poor regions of the globe. She would spend the second wish on the more selfish hope that her family all remain happy and healthy. She feels that she can afford to keep one wish to herself. Her third wish, the same one that rolls through her mind day after day as she moves through her tasks, help. Please help. It has become a drone in her mind, a constant ever-playing chant.

They were called the children of the night or night commuters and they are the reason she is here. To avoid abduction, tens of thousands of children walk many miles from their rural villages into city centers to sleep in relative safety provided by groups like the one she is working for. Over the last twenty years, it is estimated that some 30, 000 children have been abducted from their families. They are beaten, mutilated, raped, forced to commit atrocities (often against their own families), and serve as soldiers in the LRA (Lords Resistance Army). It is heart breaking and a problem that the world largely ignores. She has heard it described as the worst case of child trafficking in history and watching them come every night she can well believe it. She has been here a year and she still cries every night despite the children's courage and warm smiles. She thinks to herself, if they can be brave enough to face this, I can be brave enough to offer help.

Her alarm sounds unnecessarily. She has been up for hours in spite of her late night. She rolls over and hits the button to stop the noise and swings her legs to the floor. As she walks through the city streets towards the market she heads out hoping to meet a fairy or a genie on her way. I just need one she thought desperately as the familiar knot rose in her throat. Just one wish would be enough.
******************************************************************************************************************************
If you are interested in reading more about the children of Uganda check out these sites. Sorry they aren't links, blogger doesn't support MACs yet :(
http://childrenofuganda.org
http://www.worldvision.org/childrenofwar

Self portrait Tuesday- Introduce yourself

2006-05-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

A few more tid-bits to help introduce myself.

I hate the way I look in pictures! All of them! I don’t even have one wedding picture up in my house. V sad!

I talk to myself…a lot! I am humiliated on a regular basis as I notice people watching me in places like the grocery store.

One of my favorite things to do is lay on a blanket on the grass in the sun (and hopefully a breeze) and read.

I love fish tanks. They are so soothing and lovely! I would love to be a marine biologist and study fish and marine mammals.

I love to twirl around my kitchen with my head back and my eyes closed. It is big and I can twirl three times from the entry way to the back counter. It makes me feel happy instantly, free and a bit like a kid again.

I don’t call me friends enough. I mean to, I really do. I think I wait until I will have uninterrupted time and it just doesn’t happen. I love my girl and need to show it more! I am thinking about Beth, Margaret, Mary, Kristen and all my Jen’s!

It is just ridiculous how much I love gardens and flowers. They just lift my spirits instantly!

I really want to live out of the US. Ever since I was a kid I always wanted to live in England, I am a huge anglophile!! I would love to live anywhere in Europe. Now more than ever, I just don’t like the direction our country is going.

In-between seasons

2006-05-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

It isn’t quite spring anymore and it isn’t really summer yet either. As I watered my garden this morning I noticed all my spring flowers losing their blooms and fading away. The summer flowers are just beginning, the seeds have become tiny green shoots popping up all around barley visible unless you get on your knees and look for them as I obsessively do. I am impatient for the flowers.

I found myself getting frustrated with my garden this morning. Why can’t it just go from beautiful spring bulbs to wondrous summer flowers?? Why is this between phase so long? I am impatient with this in-between stage, it us not attractive, it is taking a lot of work with little to show for it and I am ready to see the fruits of my labors.

Almost immediately after the thought came into my head I heard a voice. “The seasons are important and you have to honor them. The spring flowers need to take their time to die back. Allowing them to produce the seeds that will mean even more flowers next year. Let them work their magic in their own time and you will be rewarded with a lusher garden next year. The new plants need time to grow. They are busy underground, developing roots, gathering strength to support the flowers and plants they will become. Have patience, the stronger the roots, the healthier and more beautiful the plant will become”.

PATINCE. I have never been good at it. It is so important to have patience and appreciate the seasons, life’s seasons to trust life’s process and appreciate the moment. I am trying.

I am between seasons in the garden and in my life.

I have been busy growing roots in the form of making clothing, jewelry, paintings, creating a new home; I have been hard at work under the surface growing roots. I am hoping that the flowers will come soon. I am ready to see the work out in the world, hopefully spreading beauty and joy.

It is almost Summer! Here are a few of my flowers...

Grateful Friday

2006-05-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

I love grateful Friday. It is not that I am always overflowing with gratitude, hardly but that’s the beauty of it. It’s a weekly reminder to focus on all the glorious things in life. Even if I start my day in a less than grateful mindset, a few minutes into my list making I am feeling better. Feeling grateful!

Today I am feeling grateful for:

My beautiful son. He is so much fun and such a delight. I learn from him everyday.

My home. I love being home, almost too much. I love that we are creating a sanctuary for our family. That is reflects who we are, it is colorful, it is warm, it is HOME.

My new running partner. I meet her Wednesday and Friday mornings. It is making me get moving again which is a very good thing.

My mom and for all the ways she uses her creativity to help us.

The taste of coffee and tea, I know it isn’t good for you but to me it is like a warm blanket. It is comfort on a chilly day.

Our upcoming trip to London and Paris!! Megg, I can’t wait to meet you in London and have a pint!

Art dates with my new friends Liz and the private yoga lessons she is going to give me! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO grateful for those!

French lesson pod casts.

My husband’s grandmother for taking me to her friends bead shop and helping me to make beautiful necklaces.

poetry Thursday

2006-05-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

They...

Rip the bandage off quickly,
they say that hurts the least.
I don’t know if I believe them,
I think they are the beast.

They they they,
I even hear them in my sleep.
Mean little voices,
taunting me from the deep.

I claw at my ears,
I hear them just the same.
They always have something to say.
I always get sucked into their game.

I know it doesn’t matter,
that I should stand up on my own,
Find my voice and use it,
on and on they drone.

Self portrait Tuesday- Introduce yourself

2006-05-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

A recently finished self portrait, one down nine to go!

The Boho girl has tagged me, so I too will combine this week’s introduction with her do/don’t list. Here goes:

I do like learning new things
I don’t like how long it takes me to learn them, I am a slow learner.

I do like Motown
I don't like rap.

I do like cooking.
I don't like baking, I stink at it.

I do like having so many amazing girl friends.
I don’t like being so far away from everyone.

I do like reading books at night before bed.
I don’t like how quickly I seem to be falling asleep lately!

I do like beautiful spring days! Especially here when the mountains are still snow topped and the water is so blue.
I don’t like really hot days and too much sun. Do you think that will be a problem in Africa?

I do like dogs and cats.
I don’t like having to clean up their fur and poop.

I do like having long hair.
I don’t like the time it takes to blow it dry!

I do like having curves and being a woman.
I don’t like my thighs!

I do like taking road trips.
I don’t like driving.

I do like eating healthy and taking care of my body.
I don’t like diets.

I do like being open and honest with friends and family.
I don’t like when people are not open and are defensive and attacking.

Sunday Scribblings- My Shoes

2006-05-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

My shoes~current faves Rocket Dog canvas mary janes with cherries and rhinestone skull.

I am not a great collector of shoes these days. I know they can be beautiful works of art and that they can “make an outfit”. In days gone by I was much more conscious of my shoes. I wouldn’t wear an outfit if I didn’t have the right shoe to complete it, and would willlingly aquire blisters for beauty. Don’t get me wrong, I am still all girl and recognize the beauty of a Jimmy Choo or a Manolo but for many years now my focus has shifted elsewhere.

I went to the tropics for a marine biology course when I was in college. It was my first experience with poverty. I remember the children from the near by village running around with no shoes. I remember looking at the thick skin on their feet, built up to protect them as they ran through the mangrove forests, the hot city streets and mountain trails. Some were lucky and had shoes. They would wear the same pair for years and cutting the toes off when their feet out grew them to wear them like an open toed sandal. I would look at these children and think of my over stuffed suitcases.

I had packed for every eventuality. I had dresses with matching shoes for clubs, trainers for hikes, flip-flops for the beach and many other assorted outfits designed for various activities. It suddenly seemed strange to place so much importance whether or not I looked perfect, on if I had the right shoe.

Growing up in an upper middle class suburb of Northern California, poverty was not something I had any direct experience with. I grew up in a land of nice family homes with kids who had new school clothes every year. I knew it was out there, it just didn’t really have a root in my awareness.

Like most girls, my closet plays host to several different types of shoes. My dress shoes, my versatile tall boots, my trusty Uggs (that are now 11 years old!), my converse that I wear almost daily and my trusty running shoes that I hope will keep me from any more stress fractures. Since that first trip, my shoes have taken me on many travels. Trips to Central and South America, Europe and soon they will come with me to live in Africa. I am grateful that I have had the luxury of so many pairs of shoes. Shoe choices. Life choices.

In thinking about this Sunday Scribbling topic and all the many ways I could go with it…I kept coming back to that first life-altering trip. To the memory of those kids and their sweet spirits and bare feet. To the knowledge that meeting them had altered me in a very meaningful and profound way. I left all of my shoes save one pair to get me home with the children of the village. I also left them all my paper, colored pencils and my gratitude for teaching me so much.

I think I took away more than I left behind.

Poetry Thursday

2006-05-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

Unlike many of you talented ladies, I am no writer but oh how I wish I were! I wrote this song Saturday night and thought, hey a song is a kind of poem right? I hope you enjoy.
This is a fiirst for me!! I have NEVER shared a poem or song I have written ever!! I am quaking with fear and embarassment but in the interest of being open and sharing with all of you who have come to mean so much to me, here goes.

The rain is falling sideways,
it’s freezing here tonight.
The sky is black like velvet,
no moon to give it light.
I stumble towards the streetlight, guided by its hum,
expecting to find the orange glow,
but I can’t see a thing.

I think that I am screaming,
my throat’s sore and tired.
I know that I was running,
there are blisters on my feet.
Everything’s confusing
and I don’t feel like me.

The clouds are parting,
it’s twilight,
my favorite time of day.
Face turned toward the changing,
a thorn bush cuts my arm.
I watch the blood rise to the surface,
but I can’t feel a thing.

I think that I am screaming,
my throat’s sore and tired.
I know that I was running,
there are blisters on my feet.
Everything’s confusing
and I don’t feel like me.

Scanning all the faces,
their lips move up and down.
I know their words are final,
and I am on the ground.
The chaos rushes at me,
everyone talking all at once.
But I can’t hear a thing.

I think that I am screaming,
my throat’s sore and tired.
I know that I was running,
there are blisters on my feet.
Everything’s confusing
and I don’t feel like me.

Spring has sprung the flowers,
they’re blooming all around.
The bees and birds are feeding,
there’s color on the ground.
I pick a rose and lift it,
It’s strange and light in my hand,
I raise it to fall in
But I can’t smell a thing.

I think that I am screaming,
my throat’s sore and tired.
I know that I was running,
there are blisters on my feet.
Everything’s confusing
and I don’t feel like me.

They’re all here to help,
as they pour out some wine.
I see it in their faces,
and I know it’s time.
Burgundy liquid swirls up inside the glass,
then it drips back down.
But I can’t taste a thing.

I think that I am screaming,
my throat’s sore and tired.
I know that I was running,
there are blisters on my feet.
Everything’s confusing
and I don’t feel like me.

I don’t feel like me.

Self portrait Tuesday- Introduce yourself

2006-05-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

I all ready confessed to my love of nacho cheese food, so what else can I tell you?

I hate driving it terrifies me! I didn’t start driving until I was 30 and moved to a city with awful public transport. Out of fear, I get road rage when I see others driving irresponsibly. I am not proud of this fact but I must own it. My son has outed me as a road rage sufferer on more than one occasion. Once while we were in the car with my in-laws a truck cut us off. His little three-year-old voice chimed out from his car seat, “You jack-ass! That’s what you say when someone does that right mom.” Gulp.

I am a huge daydreamer. Sometimes I am so immersed in my thoughts that I completely forget what I am doing and where I am going.

I love musicals. I know they can be cheesy but I just love ‘em. I want to jump out of my seat and run on stage, shove the lead out of the way and sing and dance. It just looks like so much fun!

I am an aromatherapy nut. It really has a strong effect on me!!! My favorite scent is a mix of lavender, orange, and geranium.

I wanted to be an actress when I was young. I was too afraid to tell my parents and go for it so it has been an unrealized dream. I am thinking of taking drama classes and trying to do regional theatre. I think stage performing would just be so amazing!

My dad died a year ago last month and I still think about him every day. I often forget he is gone and have to remind myself which makes me sad all over again.

I obsess over the size of my thighs. It is a daily struggle.

Sunday Scribblings...

2006-04-30T22:32:00.000-07:00

Why I live where I live

I live in Seattle. This is the second time I’ve lived here. I moved here for the first time in ‘97 with a girl friend. We had come up for a visit once over spring break and fallen in love with the vibrant city. It was the early 90’s and Seattle was deep into its grunge rock hay day. There were so many great venues to see live music and so many fantastic bands! It felt so magical to me. It was an amazing time to be young, free and living in Seattle.

Seattle, as you may know, is also the home of the latte. In the early 90’s Starbucks had yet to invade every city in the nation. I had gone on a cross-country trip with some friends the year before and I couldn’t find a latte in the heartland to save my life! In Seattle not only were there several Starbucks to choose from, there was (and is) Tully’s, Seattle’s Best and more assorted random individual coffee houses than you can count.

If coffee and music isn’t your thing, there is always the beer. The Northwest is full of amazing micro brews. Need I say more??

I met my husband here in 97, almost right after I moved here. We spent the first four years of our relationship here and then moved to Colorado for my husband’s residency. I hated living in Denver and couldn’t wait to get back to Seattle. We moved back at the end of June of this year after a four-year absence for him to do his infectious disease fellowship and get his masters in public health.

I know when people think about Seattle on of the first thing that comes to mind is the rain. I think about how beautiful it is here on sunny days. It is amazing, the white-topped mountains surrounding the city, the sound and the lakes and the green everywhere! Oh and the long summer days!! It was light out today from 6 to 9 and it isn’t even June yet!

Seattle is the home of grunge, Starbucks, coffee houses, micro brews, Costco, Microsoft and the dot.com world. There are enough fantastic restaurants here to eat out for breakfast lunch and dinner for a month and not have a bad meal.

If you don’t mind a little rain, I can’t imagine a better place to live!!

Grateful Friday…er…Saturday

2006-04-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

I am so full of gratitude that I am going to write my grateful Friday, even though it’s Saturday!!

• I am grateful that I finally got my computer back from my husband who had been using (and by that I mean hogging) it for the majority of the week!

• My beautiful new weeping cherry tree for the front yard and the other assorted plants as well! I am trying to create a magical garden and a place to spend time complete with waterfall into a pond, mosaic stepping stones, blown glass candle holders for the flower beads and many other magical little touches. A great place for our mini art fests!

• The most fabulous in-laws in the world! The have taken my son to the Zoo for a class on the animals of Madagascar, to a baseball game and then to dinner and to spend the night. I am enjoying a blissful day TO MYSELF!!

• I can spend as much time in my studio on my very own time line today, a rare treat and a much-needed one too. I am feeling so very behind in my commissions and for my show, I am really nervous about it so today is a lifeline!

• That there are those among you willing to take the Simple Steps with me!! Here’s to getting control instead of being controlled!

• My son had his very first T-ball game last night. It was so hysterical to watch, kids forgetting to run after batting, ten kids running after the same ball and ending up in a huge pile, how huge all their heads looked in the batting helmets with their skinny little bodies. It was a touch of pure sweetness and humor. A great way to spend an evening!

• I figured out the next painting in the series for me show and am excited to get going on it! This is HUGE for me people!

• I have so many hobbies and things I enjoy doing, I am never bored. Overwhelmed yes but never bored!

• I am so grateful for my life. Today I feel happy, content, optimistic and in love with life. I have energy, I feel healthy and I love so many people and so many things.

I hope everyone else is feeling an emotional lift today as well!

It's the Simple Things

2006-04-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

It's the simple things in life that really move you. The way ice-cream tastes on a hot day, the spring flowers beginning to sprout in the garden, a sunny day after a week of rain, the unexpected thoughtful gesture of a stranger, a walk on the beach with a girl friend. Yes, it's the simple things in life that really matter.

It's time to put the simple things to work. I am hoping they can also help me to better manage my out of control to do list. Like so many women juggling family, career, home and hearth I get overwhelmed. In part, this is do to my need for perfection in all areas of my life. While I understand intellectually that it is impossible to actually be perfect, it doesn't stop me from killing myself in its pursuit. I try to keep the dishes done, laundry washed and put away, meals made from scratch with healthy ingredients, my son properly challenged and exposed to many things, my paintings perfect and well thought out...phew...I'm exhausted just writing about it.

Thank goodness for girlfriends. My dear friend Beth always tells me to learn to be comfortable with mediocrity. She's a PhD Psychology so she outta know right?? Alas, you can't change your nature, so I strive on!

I was recently staying with another dear friend of mine, Kristen, who is caught in the same hamster wheel I am. In fact, I think she is even harder on herself than I am. I didn't think it was possible but after a week of close observation, I have to admit she has trumped me. However there is hope, she has found a tool that we both hope will help. A book written by busy successful women, trying to manage crazy new millennium lives written to and for their sisters in the struggle. It is called Simple Steps:10 weeks to getting control of your life. Sounds good, simple even. Kristen's life coach recommended it to her. The authors suggest having a community of women do it together so she asked if I wanted to join her in taking the steps. I have a new plan.

Now, I don't have the book yet so I am not sure what these simple steps entail. However, I know some of the things I'd like to be a little more consistent with. Yesterday I decided to get a jump start on the plan, it's never to soon to start and healthy habits are always a good idea right?? So, I woke up at 6 and did a very long workout complete with 30 min of cardio and 45 of weights. Something I have not done in a LONG time. Then got my son fed, watered and off to school. Went off to the store and bought tons of fruits, veggies and healthy food. I went to bed feeling great, proud of myself even!

Then I woke up.

I could barley move! It hurt to sit down on the toilet to pee, the stairs killed my hamstrings, and even my neck hurt. This I believe is a lesson being taught to me by the law of natural consequences. SLOW DOWN they are saying. I remember many conversations with Beth, full of good advice and sweet friendship. Reminding me I don't have to do it all.
Ok, so I am trying to listen, slow down, and take the Simple Steps as they come.

If anyone else is interested in doing it let me know, the power of female bonding might just help us all succeed in getting out of the hamster wheel.

Home sweet home

2006-04-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

I am having a love affair with my house. After another week away (went down to the SF Bay Area for my granny’s 88th Birthday and family reunion), it all feels new again. I am loving the colors of my walls and the fact that each room is different, the spring flowers popping up, my bright green kitchen, the way the morning light falls through the blue curtains and casts shadows on the art work in the living room, and my yummy bed. Ahhhhh, it’s good to be back!!

I feel roots sprouting and the need to be here for at least a month with no trips is overwhelming. I find myself fantasizing about cleaning, organizing, de-cluttering, gardening and last but in no way least, spending time in my beloved studio. I am dying to paint!!! How great is that?? I had been feeling a bit overwhelmed which always turns to staring around not knowing where to begin and then about three levels of crap on the way down to self loathing. It’s important to understand your cycles ☺

I got home last night and went out to dinner with my son and in-laws. It was a gorgeous day, blue skies, green plants, white-topped mountains and the water just amazing. Anyone that has been to Seattle on a clear spring/summer day knows it is tough to beat! We went to a restaurant on the water and sat outside drinking wine and catching up.

After dinner I went with my father-in-law to see Davis Sedaris. He writes for The New Yorker and has several books of short stories about his life, he is brilliant!! It was so good to laugh for almost two hours; we should all spend more time laughing. One of his stories pushed the boundaries of my comfort zone with my father-in-law. He is a wonderful man, the picture of class and elegance and I don’t think I have ever heard him use a curse word (V unlike me I am ashamed to report). David broke into a story about a NY cabbie and used the word F**k about 20 times and in many of it’s glorious versions and even worse….GULP…Pu**y! Is it hot in here??? Profanity and sex stories aside, it was a great evening. After the show we went for Martinis and talked about how great we think Sedaris is and politics. He is deepening my political understanding. Being the son of a Senator and an extremely well educated man, I feel lucky to have him as a resource.

I know there are a fair few writers in this beautiful blog tribe so I want to pass along a book Davis Sedaris recommended, Who Do You Love by Jean Thompson. It is a book of short stories and he said she is a master storyteller. He said he didn’t know her just was a huge fan of her writing.

Ok, this is getting long so I am going too respond to my beautiful Bohemian Girl’s tag to spill 10 beans. Sorry to take so long to get to it!

1. I am a perfectionist and a procrastinator, how do I manage it??

2. I created the family I wish I had grown up with by selecting remarkable friends.

3. I love that processed nacho cheese food. A fact that my husband still finds hilarious as I typically eat organic fruits and veggies.

4. I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 13.

5. I think I’m taller than I really am, I’m 5’4’’ and feel closer too 5’ 8’’. My husband says it’s because all of my friends are short.

6. I really want to go to China, India, Morocco, and Egypt.

7. My grandmother is from Shanghi, making me ¼ Chinese.

8. I love to watch my son sleep.

9. I am a city girl.

10. I get impatient when people play the victim.

Grateful Friday

2006-04-14T10:21:00.000-07:00

• The public library, I am currently having an affair with the brand new, beautiful public library in my neighborhood. The building is just beautiful; it’s made of wood, steel, and rock and has a grass roof. They had artists coordinate with the architects to build art into the building. It is beautiful and a great place to hang out and write or sketch people without their knowing it. I have been ordering books and book tapes by the load!!

• My husband’s Tutu, which is Hawaiian for grandma. She lived in Hawaii when my husband was growing up so we all call her Tutu. My husband lived in London and would spend summers in Hawaii with her. Not to shabby. Anyway, she is brilliant!! She is brave, loving, generous, kind, funny, spirited, intelligent and supportive. I am so lucky to have married into her family!

• My studio outside in my soon to be wonderful backyard (am in the process of landscaping it complete with waterfall into pond). I think that might show up on every grateful post I write. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for it. I had a studio downtown in the hip art area; it was expensive, impossible to park, smaller, and too dangerous to be there alone late at night. I am so grateful for my little oasis right out my back door!

• Meeting Liz and deciding to start our own mini art fest here once a month. It was wonderful to meet someone and feel a connection right away…a nice side effect of blogging, we had a head start. It was such a gift to take some of this cyber support and bring it into the “real” world! Any of you beauties that are in the Pacific Northwest, or want to come visit (Denise!) are welcome!!

• The camaraderie of women. I think women working together, supporting and inspiring one another can accomplish anything!! I am so grateful for all the wonderful and amazing women in my life.

• The flowers popping up in my garden and elsewhere around town.

• Laini being so kind too write me a generous and helpful email and invite me to a Children’s Book meeting despite my inexperience. Can’t wait to meet you!

• My mom for all her help sewing!!! She is the original, and much nicer, Martha Stewart.

• My in-laws for taking my son on a train trip to Canada this week. Ever since we came back from England my son has been obsessed with and missed riding trains. He was SO excited to go he didn’t sleep the night before.

• That I get to have a day FOR ME today! I am heading downtown to get a haircut, sit in one of my favorite coffee shops and read and write, people watch (one of my favorite things), go by the British import shop and buy a box of 40 PG tips for $10…scandalous! Go too the Market and buy flowers (they have HUGRE bouquets foor really cheap) and meet my sister for dinner and a movie.

I hope you all have a wonderful, magical day too!!!

How I spent my day!

2006-04-13T16:48:00.000-07:00

Here are a few of the necklaces I made using the gifts from Tutu (Hawaiian for grandma). It was great fun to put these together and just PLAY! I am a bad photographer with my digital camera so sorry about the fuzzy quality of the photos :(

The beads are so beautiful!! I am going to keep one and wear it with this dress I made for summer. It looks way more shiny in this picture than it really is. I will be adding quite a few dresses and little summer tops soon. I have been a busy bee!

Here are two more paintings too...almost done, finally!

A new way to play

2006-04-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

My husband’s grandmother is am amazing lady!! She is almost 85 years old and a complete firecracker. She has lead an amazing life and been EVERYWHERE. This is a woman with out prejudice or judgments. She has friends all over the world from Afghanistan to Ethiopia to Hong Kong. She posed naked for me two years ago for a series I was working on about societies ideas of beauty. She is a rock star!!!

Her home looks like a museum, full of odds and ends collected over a lifetime of travel. She has this amazing butterfly candleholder in her house. It is about four feet tall and made of black iron with amazing details all the way up the sides. It has a huge butterfly on the top that sits, wings spread wide, behind where the candle sits. I remarked how much I liked it and asked her where she got it. She then proceeded to tell me about walking trough the red light district (before there were red lights) in Bangkok and seeing them in all the prostitutes’ windows. They used to use them to let customers know if they were, uh…occupied. When the butterfly is facing out towards the window they are available, facing in and candle towards the window, busy. She thought the candleholders beautiful, so she knocked on the door and asked if she could buy it.

She has about a thousand stories like that, being in Africa and trading her Hawaiian muumuu for beaded necklaces and traditional fabrics, flying to Morocco and buying a beaten up RV and driving around Northern Africa for 8 months….I could go on and on.

Over her travels she has collected an amazing amount of jewelry from around the globe. She has been dealing in rare and antique beads and jewelry for years and years, she started collecting in the 40’s. She has amazing things; my current favorite is a pre-Columbian necklace that is well over 500 years old and WAY out of my price bracket!! She lent it to me to wear for a day…I felt like Frieda Kahlo, it was great!

She called me the other day and said she had something for me. So, I packed lunch, grabbed my son and went for a visit. Always an amazing experience! She said she wanted to give me some great beads that “will be in all the big stores this season with less quality, fake beads. Here are some real ones and here’s what you do” She rocks!

I have been struggling and I guess needing a break from painting for a few days to let the dust settle. So, I am playing with these beautiful beads (they are made of all kinds of cool natural stuff, shell, bone, wood, semi precious gems, nuts etc), sitting in bowls my amazing husband bought while teaching in Malaysia…I am having fun and letting go. It is funny how life provides you what you need when you least expect it.

Walking the fence

2006-04-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I am walking a fence in my career. The fence I refer to here is the one that separates the two very different worlds of illustration and “fine art”. (For me it is more, it is illustration, clothes and other products…anything I enjoy!) Can you serve two masters? I get hung up on this question and then I get stuck. I feel like I am less of a painter because I am drawn to other things as well.

I appreciate both disciplines and am drawn to work in both but I’m not sure how to precede, how to marry the two. When I was in school, these different camps did not agree on much. In fact they seemed to flat out not like or respect each other. I personally found that sad and took classes in both, had friends in both and enjoyed them both. I try to use them to fill different artistic needs and flex different artistic muscles. Sometimes you want to work on your paintings; sometimes you want to do things that are more illustrative. It is great to have both in my opinion.

I have been holding back attempting to pursue illustration jobs for several reasons. First, I am shy about self-promotion. I HATE that about myself but there it is. I need to get over it but that is easier said than done. Second, I am afraid how it will impact my standing with galleries. Perhaps this is a foolish thing to consider but in an industry that loves to label it scares me.

The world of fine art, which I am much more familiar with, has so many rules and judgments. I feel like if I do certain things I am going to isolate myself from this branch of my career. That scares me because I really value being able to show in galleries and hope to do much more of it! To take that portion as far as I can.

That said I also want to increase my income, work in different types of artistic venues and feel like I am listening to all my artistic voices. I guess I am trying to find my niche.

I know I should just let go and make my art. Be true to my vision. Try not to think about how it will be received, who will see it, if they like it, will it sell? These thoughts can get you stuck in your studio afraid to DO anything. Conversely, if you don’t consider the end result, you end up with tons of work in your studio and no food on your table. You see how I chase my tail around here.

I think that is where I have been…HIDING! I have had such a hard year (losing my dad, moving cross country, learning about moving to Africa, and trying to really figure out my career goals) that I think I have been hiding in my studio just working and licking my wounds. I think un-consciously I thought if I just worked hard it would work itself out. That somehow the answer would just come to me. It really hasn’t worked that way.

The amazing, wonderful and talented Laini said to me, “So much depends on luck, but I have found, for myself, that we have to make that luck.”. Well, it is time for me to get out there and try to do just that. Forget the fears, insecurities and potential results. Just make my art, listen to my inner voices and hop down off the fence onto my very own path.

If any of you have thoughts, ideas, advice I’d love to hear it!!! Does anyone else struggle with this??

Grateful Friday

2006-04-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

This week has been pure crap. I have had a bad attitude, a cold, PMS and entirely too much to do. Given this, I am thinking it is the perfect time for a Grateful Friday post. I am trying to turn things around.

I am hoping by listing out some of the good things, I can begin to refocus my attentions onto them. Sometimes you have to fake it first then you begin to feel it for real…right??

So, here’s to focusing on the many brilliant aspects of life, here goes.

I am thankful for all the wonderful spring flowers in all the gardens around my house and the ones all over inside my house ☺

The extra long days of the Pacific Northwest Spring and Summer. They have begun! In the summer it is light until about 10:30, it’s fabulous!!

I am thankful for a colleague of my husband’s help in making connections in Kampala, Uganda. He is introducing me to a woman from Belgium that runs a clinic for women infected with HIV/Aids. They take a holistic approach to healing and the women make art, clothes and other things to help fund the clinic. There may be a role for me to play when I get there which would be fantastic!!

I am thankful Denise have found peace and is feeling supported by those that love and care for her.

I am thankful that we have a three-week European trip coming up this June.

I am so thankful for all of my mom’s help with sewing and gardening and a zillion other things.

I am thankful for so many wonderful, inspirational and supportive friends. Most of them live in other states and countries but I am so grateful to have their touch and example in my life.

My new Karen Ann CD and that I still understand the French on it.

Candles, aromatherapy, bubble baths and the occasional brainless chic-lit book.

My studio, my own private sacred space to play, spill, create, hide, be raw, inspire, let go, develop, grow and explore.

My wonderful, magic, handful, and miracle, my son. A thousand times my son…

That everyone I love is healthy!

This wonderful group of bloggers that have become a source of support, friendship, kinship, inspiration and humor.

Ok, I feel better! I am going to go make a margaritas with this amazing Tequilla and flower liquor we got in Mexico, simply the best, and that outta help push me the rest of the way over the ledge. The clouds are parting.

A little rant, rave and flowers

2006-04-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

I wish I could learn to live in a hovel. That stacks of papers on every surface, dishes in the sink, and piles of clothes scattered about did not drive me crazy. It would save me hours of time and many many arguments with my husband.

My husband has NO problem living like a pig. His four years of dwelling in an Ivy League fraternity were in fact training for it. I am sure of all the things he learned in college this is the skill he has perfected and applies most routinely. For an idea of what I am up against here, Animal House was based on his college. Nice.

Today ladies I am feeling frustrated with the plight I share with so many women…unequal delegation of responsibilities. I am also feeling highly frustrated (like up to my eyeballs) with the lack of respect and general understanding of what being self-employed is really like!! Not just self-employed, but an artist no less, how self-indulgent.

My husband seems to think I have hours of “free time during the day”…uh, come again??? I drop my son off at school at 9 and have to pick him up at 3. Which means I have between the hours of 9:30 and 2:30 to work, and that is if no one interrupts me, my husband has no errands needing running etc….

In addition, because of my son’s special needs, I have been helping out in the classroom three days a week from 9:30 – 11:00, which means on those days I have 3.5 hours.

So, ok, lemme just list SOME of the tings I have going:

Taking care of the house, (that means ALL the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping…ALL OF IT!)

My son’s daily care and activities (which include, piano, guitar, Spanish, Science, T-ball, and drama. PHEW…I know but he just can’t get enough. He requires a lot of stimulation. I require wine.)

My career (which includes painting for shows, painting commissions, sewing clothes, marketing, business groups, correspondence etc….)

I am aware I am on a bit off a self-pitting rant here. I know I have some control and choices…blah blah blah..I just need to be pissed off for a minute. I hope you will excuse me, I am feeling like I need to get it out of my body before my head pops off in utter frustration!!

So, today I am preparing cocktail hour for my husband’s colleagues tonight. Another reason for the vent, have to be over it by 5:30 when guests arrive. So, when I was at the store shopping for food and ALCHOL, I also picked up $70 worth of flowers for every room I am in today and made a hair apt for next week!

Don't get mad, get even right?

PS: Sorry for not posting some beautiful bit of poetry!

self portrait Tuesday

2006-04-04T11:56:00.000-07:00

I love that the theme for Self Portrait Tuesdays is time; the possibilities are infinite like time itself. It has caused me to ponder things I might not have thought about otherwise. Each week I think of something in my life that has been changed, shaped and/or influenced by time.

This week I was thinking about friendships. How, if we are lucky, they grow over time as we grow deepening their roots and spreading their branches. I am feeling particularly lucky to have so many amazing, awe inspiring, inspirational and talented women in my life. My cup runneth over.

The beautiful Denise at Bohemian Girl Designs is one of these women. Her lovely husband has been helping me with my website, check him out at fractaltree.com. This week he helped me to launch my boutique. There are tons more updates coming soon, many summer dresses and tops and other fun goodies, so please check back soon.

I sent the updated site and new boutique out to friends, family and friends-like-family and their support has been breath taking. I am so grateful and honored to know so many people doing amazing things, saving lives, making significant art, working to develop new meds. I am often amazed they let me run in their pack!

As I have shared before, I battle confidence issues so to have such an outpouring of well wishes has been a real life-line in a nerve racking time. Thank you to you all. I love you and will forever cherish you all!

Where does the time go???

2006-03-30T19:04:00.000-08:00

When I was pregnant, older women were always telling me how fast babies grow up. “Oh enjoy every minute, it goes so fast!” I heard it so often that by the 9th month I would smile and nod and think to myself, “yeah, yeah I know.” Grumpy third trimester thoughts, we’re all over getting advice by then right? ☺

Well, here I am, five years later asking myself, “where the hell has the time gone?” My son is now five years old and last night he lost his first tooth. Didn’t he just get teeth???
I told my husband I felt like we were going to wake up tomorrow and be 50.

It was so cute and comical how proud he was of his lost tooth. He was hopping around, unable to sit still, calling his grandparents and announcing his accomplishment. It is so funny to me that he sails right through the milestones he works to achieve, as if it was no big deal, but the tooth falling out…well that is a right of passage that simply must be celebrated.

Celebrate we did, the tooth-fairy came, he got pizza for dinner and we all talked about how great it is that he is getting so big. I must confess, I would be just as happy if he slowed down a bit. Stayed little a bit longer. Ah, they grow up so fast….wait am I saying that now?? YES!!!

I took him to visit my mom recently. She lives on a wonderful island up here in the Northwest and it is a pretty tight community. The shopkeepers on Main Street have seen my son over the years on our many visits. On our last trip, we were shopping and went into one of my favorite shops. They had signs hung all over the walls and my son stood under them, reading them all aloud. He was just entertaining himself while I browsed. I am used to him reading everything in sight, he’s been doing it since he was 3!! The shopkeeper turned to me and said, “you only got to have a baby for a minute didn’t you?” Lump in throat I said, “yes, it really feels that way to me.”

He is really ahead of the curve and that has made him feel more adult to me at an earlier age. Because he is advanced, it feels like he grew up so much quicker, like he was a little man at 3. We were living in London for part of his third year and we would spend each day out and about exploring the city. I felt like I was hanging out with my friend not very small child. He knew his way around every bit as well as I did and had the underground system memorized. One night I was in our flat making dinner and he walked in and asked me, “is the Indian Ocean warm or cold I need to know because I am trying to figure out what kind of whales live there?”...huh? Now, he is reading the first Harry Potter on his own in bed and does algebra in his head. GULP.
I know having a gifted child seems like it is just a straight out blessing but in truth it is more complicated than that. Do I really let him take his SAT’s in 6th grade and go to University at 12? Where did my baby go? I am trying to take it all as it comes and just love every minute of the journey that is parenting…even if they journey is taking my places I never thought I’d go.

Self portrait Tuesday

2006-03-28T11:05:00.000-08:00

Here are a few more of the paintings I am working on for my upcoming show, I hope I am not boring you all with these! Again all the little ones are a part of one large piece. The other piece is a large painting that will show on another wall, it’s big, about 6 feet by 4 ½ feet. Again…THEY’RE NOT DONE. It is so hard to let go and just put them up in their various stages of the painting process. I am hoping you all will go easy on me ☺ You will see how different they look when they’re done.

I am having an especially hard time today posting them today. I am battling those old self-doubting, criticizing voices in my head. I am being terribly mean to myself and I don’t seem to be able to give it a rest. I know we all have those days where we doubt ourselves, are uncertain of our choices, and feel insecure about careers.

Today is my day for it and since I can’t seem to let it go on my own, I am writing it down to get it out of my mind and heart. I am worried that I suck, that I will never have the kind of career that I hope to have. I am fearful that with all this moving around I have to let certain dreams go and that feels painful today. I feel like here aren’t enough hours in the day to get it all done. I am having trouble balancing commissions, murals, my sons activities, house work etc with my own work and I am afraid it will be the thing that gets sacrificed…..what is it they say about a woman’s work???

Phew, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I wish I had an inspirational, motivating and uplifting post for you all to read but this is where I am today. I am hopeful that after a day of painting I will be able to put the voices to rest. Here is a pic of the sketch on canvas I am going to go work on...

2006-03-27T12:54:00.000-08:00

Swimming with the dolphins was an amazing experience and well worth the years of waiting!! I have loved dolphins for as long as I can remember. Years ago, a friend recommended a book to me, The Call of the Dolphin. It is about people who feel a connection to these amazing animals and the various experiences they have with them all over the world. It also talks about their spiritual role in the world, which was really interesting to me. It’s a great read if you are one of those people too.

They are so beautiful and joyful. You could feel how powerful they were when you touched them, just solid muscle!! It was easy to see that were really happy there, they were so playful and generous with their affections.

I was with a group of five other people (they were actually pretty awful company, frat boys and their girl friends. They were making horrible tuna jokes and just didn’t seem to have much reverence or respect) and we all spread ourselves out in the water. The dolphins swam between us, letting us stroke them and play with them. There were two swimming in our section and several others in a different part of the water having a day off and another two swimming with the little kids. My son loved it!

It seemed like they really liked being stroked on their bellies, they would linger a little while longer if you rubbed their tummies...so cute!! I got to swim tummy to tummy with them, holding their fins and they towed me around the pool. It was exhilarating; I could have done it for hours!! There was another fun move they have you do where you lay flat and keep your legs really straight, a dolphin puts its nose on each foot, one per foot, and they push you through the water, fast. It feels like water-skiing a bit, very fun. It is crazy how fast you go!!

I had gone into the experience with some knowledge of dolphins and a lot of reverence for them and their joyful loving energy. I left feeling so grateful for the time I was able to spend with them. I feel so fortunate to have had a personal experience with them, I hope to have more.

Leaving on a jet plane

2006-03-17T10:59:00.000-08:00

I am heading out and away from the gray North West skies for a little R&R in Mexico!! I am bringing no make-up, tons o' sunscreen, books, flip flops and hats, my sketch book and colored pencils. It has been a while since I just relaxed....I don't do that nearly enough. Do any of us? Just give ourselves permission to take a day and just be. Need to do that more when I get back.

On this trip I get to realize a life-long dream, to swim with dolphins! I have loved dolphins and felt a connection to them my whole life and have always wished to interact with them. They have visited me in my dreams from time to time and even that has been magic! This will be great. We are going too a group that studies them and the dolphins are all volunteers!! They keep coming back to participate. This makes me all the more excited as it doesn't feel touristy and like we are exploiting them. My son is having a day long class on conservation, dolphins and their habitat etc and then get to swim with them too.

I wish you could all come with me! It has been such a joy and pleasure meeting and connecting with you all! Megg, M, La vie en rose, Liz, Thea, Sarah, and of course my beautiful Bohemian girl to name but a few! I really appreciate you all embracing me so warmly and making me feel welcome in this community of dynamic and beautiful spirits! Have a wonderful week girlies and I look forward to catching up when I get back!

2006-03-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

Mirror

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful-
The eye of a little god, four cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises towards her day after day, like a terrible fish.

Sylvia Plath~ 23 October 1961

My good friend Jennifer gave me the book The Collected Poems of Sylvia Plath for Christmas my senior year of high school. I had never read her work before and didn't know anything about her. So, I made a cup of tea, sat down to read, and fell in love. I have been in love with her writing, her energy and returned to read her frequently ever since. I have read interviews she gave and many of her works, so much of what she says really resonates with me. I feel a connection to her, a relation to some of her life experiences, a kinship of sorts. Mildly concerning as she committed suicide at 30. :)

I am sure many of you are familiar with her work all ready, especially after the movie made about her relationship with Ted Hughes, but if not this may encourage you to find a wonderful poet and an extraordinary woman.

Another leap of faith

2006-03-15T11:45:00.000-08:00

At the start of any journey there are those little fears and anxieties that pop into ones mind. Fear of the dark I like to call it. We can't see the reality around us or instore for us so we imagine worse things for ourselves than could possibly be there in reality.

I am starting...again..and I am afraid of the dark.

I am adding a boutique to my website and including clothes I have designed and made. Putting myself and my art out there again GLUP! I was reading many of your posts last night and felt heartened by seeing I was not alone in feeling the waves of self criticism, doubting and comparing myself to others. Man that is one dangerous and destructive cycle I would love to break.

I can not imagine doing anything else but being an artist, but it is not an easy road is it? Contrary to popular opinion, we don't just play with our crayon boxes all day long feeling like happy go lucky little kids. Some of my friends with "real" jobs make the occasional comment about my not having a "real" job. I know these comments are not meant to sting, be hurtful or attack my choice but are born of a lack of understand the hurdles of an artists day to day.

I would challenge any working girl to lay her heart, soul and efforts out to the world to be judged, accepted etc...no easy thing.

In keeping my commitment to be present, playful and trusting, like the little boy and his sandcastles, I thought I would share some pics here. A preview of coming attractions. I hope you enjoy them. I hope you all are playing, embracing your fears and letting them go! I hope you are creating beautiful things and putting them out there for the world to enjoy!!!

2006-03-14T19:19:00.000-08:00

I am glad that the theme this month is time...so I share unfinished work. These are part of the piece that I explained last Tuesday. They will hang with the last group as part of a larger work. They too are unfinished. I work in layers, these and the last post are of paintings at the first layerstage, the very beginning. I do a first layer on the whole piece (sometime whole shhow or series) and then go back over it at least once, sometimes many more times. It helps maintain a continuity amoung the works. So, again, time is a good theme here as these paintings take a lot of it!!

Sand castles

2006-03-13T17:04:00.000-08:00

One of my oldest and dearest friends came for a visit this weekend to introduce her new baby to our family. It is wonderful to spend time with someone who knows, loves, accepts and understands you. To have the benefit of years of history in a friendship is a beautiful thing. It is always so fascinating to me to watch little kids together. Babies just connect to kids in a whole different way and little guys are just as enamored with them. I wonder if they recognize a little of themselves in each other. It was so fun to watch my son with this new little baby and see them connecting. Beautiful!!

My friend and her husband went to meet some friends for lunch so we decided to meet back up at the beach later. I was a little early and sat down on a log to watch the sail boats going by, the families playing, and enjoy some rare Pacific Northwest sunshine. It was beautiful and though the sun was out, it was still quite cold. I began watching a little boy playing in the sand. He was making sand castles and running into the water to get wet sand. He was having a fantastic time. He worked on his sand castle compound for what seemed like hours. He never noticed the temperature of the water and didn't seem to be bothered by the cold.

It got me thinking...

Kinds have so many things right! Remember when you were having so much fun outside it didn't matter that you were so cold your nose was running down your face? Or you forgot your gloves but had snow ball fights anyway until your hands turned blue. When playing was so fun you wouldn't stop to eat for hours (until you mom made you!)?

It made me want to reconnect to that spirit of play and also of being present in the moment. That little boy was so present with his sand castle that he didn't notice his feet were numb (which I am sure they were) or wonder what observers were thinking. Nothing mattered outside of the world he was creating.

I am going to try to be present, to be open and playful and free. I am going to try to hold that image close to my heart this week and see where it takes me.

Some things are always good

2006-03-09T10:52:00.000-08:00

Some things are always good.

Buying yourself flowers to brighten up a cold, wet and windy day.

Aroma therapy, especially my favorite mix of lavender, orange, and geranium.

Lighting candles all over the house just because they're beautiful.

English breakfast tea with soy milk. (because you can't find pg tips here unless your willing to pay $9 at an import shop!)

A visit from a old friend.

A long indulgent milk bath with candles and your favorite music.

A great book.

Feeling understood, supported and loved.

Hugs.

Helping out a friend.

Knowing you are blessed to do what you love for a living.

Having a tribe you love and are constantly amazed by. The bond between women is really extraordinary!

Knowing you are happy and lucky.

Pale pink tulips in a vintage vase (from my mom who also knows what is always good)

Balance

2006-03-08T10:01:00.000-08:00

My husband and I took a trip to Sedona Arizona last April for some much needed R&R. We spent a glorious week working out every morning, swimming, hiking, spa treatments for me and golf for him, romantic dinners and catching up on our reading. It was blissful and it feels like a decade ago!

One of the hikes we took was through an amazing canyon. It is located on one of the Earth’s vortexes. It is an area that has a strong spiritual pull and many people go there as a part of their spiritual journey. Along the hike we kept coming across these rock pillars. People had made them everywhere. I assume they were meant to channel the powerful energies coming from the Earth at it’s vortex. They were so beautiful. They seemed to be delicate and strong at the same time.

This one amazed me…two different rock pillars merging into one. It reminded me of marriage. The balancing act that ensues when two separate lives join and become one. Even in the best of marriages, there is a balancing act that occurs in order to meet the needs of both partners.

Inspired by Pixie via Denise to share some fears…in the spirit of getting them out to take their power away and diffuse them…here goes!

My husband and I are both deeply in love with each other and our individual careers. For each of us, what we do is a part of who we are. He is a doctor specializing in international medicine and I am an artist. Here comes the balancing act and the give and take that is a marriage.

His career requires us to move, a lot. We have moved 3 times in 7 years and there is no sign of it stopping. In fact the moves are becoming more dramatic, in the fall of ’07 we will be heading to Uganda Africa. My husband is setting up medical and research clinics and will he traveling around the country visiting and helping out at refugee camps. There are many camps in the North of the country; the majority of the people are from Sudan seeking peace and assistance. This is a very dangerous part of the country and I worry for him.

While I am supportive and in fact a little in awe of my husband and his contributions I am a little nervous about how it will affect my ability to maintain a career of my own, an identity of my own. Can you get oil paint in Uganda? So much of the art world is who you know and relationships. It is difficult to maintain and foster relationships from half a world away. I know there are many exciting adventures ahead, wonderful opportunities for me to help out the people I come into contact with etc….but I would be less than honest if I didn’t admit to a little fear of the dark. There are so many things, questions that will remain un-answered until I get there. Will we be safe, will my son be happy, will I be happy, will our marriage survive if only my husband is fulfilled, how will I see my friends and family….and so on. I don't want to soound selfish, or like I am onlyy woorried about me....just trying to let the fears out so I can let them go.

Self portrait Tuesday

2006-03-07T14:36:00.000-08:00

If you expect someone to give you a degree in fine art (especially with a focus in painting and drawing), somewhere along the way they will expect you to do a self -portrait. It is a required part of your training. I was horrified by this idea and assignment in all its forms. Always painful for me and they were never any good! Who really wants to be forced to look at and analyze yourself for hours during the painting process and then be forced to discuss it for hours during critique?

Consequently, I have not done a self -portrait since I was FORCED to, until now.

As I mentioned in my first posting, this has been a rough year. When you go through something as major as the loss of a parent, it shatters you. Well, that is how it has been for me at any rate. I felt ripped into pieces and hyper aware of the fragmentation. I began to really look at all the separate pieces of my life and self. It was time to think about what was and is working, what isn't, what needs to be let go and what needs developing. I, in short, had to put myself back together.

These paintings are a part of that healing process and an expression of it. I am preparing for a show in August and it is entirely comprised of self-portraits. Gulp. As they are a physical manifestation of my own emotional and spiritual journey, I felt I HAD to be the model. Another lesson to embrace, self-acceptance.

These three paintings are part of a larger piece that will be made up of 13 canvases hung together on a wall. I thought that they would be a good piece to use for the "time" SPT. The sizes of the canvases are all based on the Fibonacci sequence, otherwise referred to as the Golden Mean or the Divine Proportion. I felt that was an appropriate infrastructure for the concept of these works. They will be hung in a spiral pattern on a large wall. I hope you enjoy them.

A place to start

2006-03-06T21:31:00.000-08:00

The beginning has always been the most difficult part of any process for me. The first sentence of a paper, the opening lines of a story, and introductions to new people all set my brain spinning and my inner critic to ranting. Starting a painting is the same way. In the idea phase I am full of inspiration and motivation. I can’t wait to finish building, stretching, and priming the frame so I can get painting. Then I stare at the big white canvas, feel the tension begin to rise and…gulp…start.

Of all my many beginnings, this is amongst the scariest. That is just insane I know. I try to tell myself that no lives will be lost if I post something insane or poorly written. Yet my fears run away with me and my inner critic taunts me. I doubt that anyone will want to read what I have to say, fear that people will think that I am full of myself for writing and feel the insecurities about the way I write.

Thank GAWD for friends. When you are down, the tribe gathers and reminds you they are there. The beautiful and talented Denise of Bohemian Girl Designs has been my friend for years (since 5th grade science camp to be precise). She has always inspired me with her wit and wisdom oh and that beauty. She has been encouraging me to start a blog for a long time.

This year has been one of transitions for me and the next year and a half are looking to be full of more beginnings and changes (including a move to Africa, more on that later I’m sure). In the last year we/I have: tried to process the loss of my father, moved from Denver back to Seattle, had to restart my career in a new city (tricky for an oil painter), make new friends, find my son a school and all the many things one does with a major move and a family (while knowing I have an even bigger move in my near future). I am tired! Like most of us, when I am feeling tired and emotionally raw, I also feel really vulnerable. It has been a scary thought to begin something else.

Yet, I have missed my art community, a great tribe that shares fears, rejections, victories, ideas, encouragement and support. Denise has shared so much about how she has found that here and encouraged me to do the same.

So,
at last,
I am starting